Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster

the Blues

2007-11-24T06:01:00.000-05:00

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?
Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?
It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken arms and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You push until you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay

Is nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?
It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been through and down this broken house of cards?

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?
Does justice ever find you, do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in.

Stretching Ass Dancing

2007-05-08T17:24:00.000-05:00

Hi there! It's been quite some time since I put anything on here, but I'm back. I'll keep it short while I get myself back into it.

Anyway, I tend to keep pretty odd hours, which means that I end up watching a lot of infomercials. You name it, I've seen it several dozen times, and I gotta give 'em credit, those things are certainly entertaining. My personal favorite is "Ronco's Showtime Knife Set." But the other day I saw a new one, a fitness video infomercial. Normally I skip over those, but this one was particularly intriguing. It interested me not because of what they were doing, or the T&A, but rather the name. What was this piece of shit called? "Yoga Booty Ballet." That's funny!

The infomercial featured all of the typical workout video conventions, y'know, bunch of hot skinny white chicks in leotards dancin' around and twisting themselves into somewhat suggestive poses. That's not what was funny. What was funny was throughout the whole thing, they keep using the word "booty." These old white chicks are just spitting it out like it's something they've been saying their whole life, except that they obviously don't fully grasp the connotations of the word. Apparently they think that "booty" refers to the buttocks, which, to be fair, it does, however, what they clearly fail to understand is that "booty" does NOT just indicate your ass, but carries with it the suggestion of something you DO with it. This is both hilarious and somewhat disgusting to me.

Perhaps it's just the latent racist in me, but I'm sorry, white people need to TALK LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. I don't ever need to hear some vacuous suburban white chick throwing around words like, "booty," "bling," or anything ending in "-izzle." To all you people who do this, clearly nobody else has the heart to tell you, but YOU SOUND LIKE AN ASSHOLE. Eminem doesn't even talk like that! Because he has enough respect for the culture to not mock it in such a way.

And I'm not just talking ebonics here, either. Am I the only person in the world who thinks that evening news anchors sound crazy when they pronounce Latin names and countries with an accent? They're speaking in perfect neutral Midwestern Amercian English right up until they get to "Nicaragua," then they suddenly turn into Cheech Marin? That just cracks me up.

Bottom line, you people know who you are, and you need to knock that shit off right fucking now. Not for my sake, but for your own, because you sound ridiculous and you're embarrassing yourself. Just so you know.

Uh, yeah, so that's pretty much all I got right now, but I'll be back soon with something else. Until then, take it easy out there, people.

Actually, scratch that last part. Fuck you! And go to Hell!

Like A Burden

2006-10-20T10:55:00.002-05:00

So the big tabloid news this week is that Madonna just came back from Africa with a new adoptee named "David." This is fantastic news. This is just fucking thrilling. This is so fucking great, first Bradgelina and now Madonna, and next guess who? That's right, Britney fucking Spears wants in on this club too! What a fucking surprise!!!

Look everyone, I understand and completely support the practice of rich, overpriviledged, clueless fucking Americans adopting "underpriviledged" and poverty-destined foreign children and bringing them to the good 'ol USA to provide them a life of relative luxury they would never even DREAM of in their home of origin, but this is starting to turn into some kind of fucked-up celebrity fad and that is NOT cool. Not by a longshot.

Granted, I appreciate and admire that these people have big enough hearts and wallets to do this kind of thing, if I were a children-inclined kind of person I would certainly go that route instead of producing an unneeded rugrat of my own, HOWEVER it seems to me that an African baby is just this year's "must-have celebrity accessory" and that is just plain wrong. It serves only their own pathetic selfish needs for recognition and media attention, and that is just plain sad that these people are so addicted to cameras in their face while taking a shit that they have to go so far as Africa and adopt one of these pathetic and VERY needy children to get it.

I mean, let's face it, while Bradgelina may be in the prime of [their] careers, Madonna and Britney are clearly well past their golden years and are obviously only seeking attention. I will grant them some reprieve if they actually end up taking GOOD and responsible care of these children, but the point I am eventually trying to make is that AFRICA IS NOT A FUCKING PET STORE.

Really man, you can't go to Africa or China or god knows where else, take a look around, see a cute, poor baby and say, "Can I keep him? Can I keep him? Huh? Huh?!" That is just not fucking kosher. Again, I admire and appreciate them for wanting to take in one of these otherwise "destined-to-carry-an-AK-someday" children, but somehow I question their ultimate motives for doing so. And really, do you REALLY think that Bradgelina or Madonna or Britney are going to be the ones who ultimately end up caring for these children? Somehow I doubt it. These kids' REAL caregivers are going to be named something more like "Yolanda" or "Maria." I'm not being racist here(okay, maybe I am, but you get my point), but seriously, do you REALLY believe that Madonna or Britney are actually the primary caregivers of even their OWN children?! Again, somehow I doubt it.

Seriously people, if you genuinely DO have the heart and resources to take in one of these otherwise doomed children, I certainly encourage you to do so, but my point is DON'T do it for yourself, do it for those kids, because they genuinely need it, and there are precious little, TOO little people who are willing to take on that particular challenge and there really should be. All of you who are pushing out your own little pathetic fucking rugrats are only doing the rest of us a disservice, because there are SO many more children who are already born who need your love and support. Really man, the LAST thing we need on this planet are MORE fucking people. Let's take care of who we've already got until we decide to make more.

Lessons in Loss

2006-10-15T04:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever lost something important, I mean REALLY important to you, be it your father, your girlfriend, your dog, your car keys? It's a terrible fucking feeling, isn't it?

This last month I have experienced loss on a profound level, you would not even believe a person could lose so much in so short a time. I was very down about it, suicidal even, but just today I realized the lesson in it. I learned there is some, if not a lot of redemptive value in loss sometimes.

Sometimes the thing you lost is gone forever, and that is heartbreaking, and while that wound may never heal, it does get better eventually. Sometimes the thing you lost is found and returned. Sometimes the thing you lost just comes back to you.

I lost so much in just the last 4 weeks. I'm not going to get into details, but know that my heart has been broken and shattered over and over and over again until I had lost everything. It hurt so much that I never thought it would subside, I thought that I would feel that way forever and ever and the only escape was death, but then I received a gift. It was the greatest gift I had ever received, a gift that I never knew existed, a gift that I never dared to desire: hope.

I received this gift from someone very very dear to me; this person taught me that there is such a thing as love in the world, that all the doom and gloom must break sometimes and give way, if only ever so shortly, to things that are kind and beautiful. This person taught me that you can care too much, and must sometimes walk away in order to find your way back.

I learned a lot this past month. I learned that though sometimes things might not always work out the way you planned, or wanted, or expected, they can still come out okay in the end. I learned that sometimes it takes losing something important to realize and appreciate what it is you had. I learned that sometimes you can lean too hard on people you depend on and make that person fall as well. I learned that sometimes you have to let go of things you care deeply about just to see if they'll come back. I learned that sometimes great sacrifice is necessary to eventually reap great rewards. And most importantly, I learned that sometimes you have to take a small step back right now in order to be able to take 100 steps forward later.

Which does not at all mean that it does not still hurt right now. Which does not at all mean that learning these lessons can instantly pull back together all the tiny broken pieces of my heart; there are no magical words that can accomplish that, but with the hope that I have been so generously gifted I know now that, while in my cynicism I would say "time heals NOTHING," eventually these lessons I have learned will bring me solace, and hopefully they will to you too when, god forbid, loss comes to take something away from you.

Goodnight everyone; I will see you again soon.

...and Justice for...

2006-09-22T06:10:00.000-05:00

The primary elections were last week and I didn't vote. Not registered, don't fucking care. A friend of mine went and voted, then gave me shit about not voting and demanded to know why.

"If you don't participate in the process, what right do you have to complain?!" she asked.

Well, part of the beauty of the process is that I can choose NOT to participate. Which is EXACTLY what gives me the right to complain.

"You can't change a system that is broken from within," I replied, "A corrupt system can only be changed by revolution. True change is ONLY possible through complete and total revolution."

Then she went on to tell me that you CAN use the system to enact change, which may be true, but then she continued with, "by choosing the lesser of two evils."

This only served to demonstrate my point. If my only choices are THIS asshole who I don't agree with, or THIS asshole who I don't agree with, what's the fucking point?! We may CALL it "democracy," but this is NOT democracy. This is a fucking farce. This two-party bullshit where I have to choose between one of two pricks who ultimately only represent their own interests, which, are ultimately the same as the OTHER asshole I DIDN'T vote for? That's bullshit!

Don't get me wrong, there may very well have once been such a thing as "democracy", but this is not it. There may very well have once been such a thing as "freedom," but this is not it.

We exist under a system so bloated with bureaucracy and red tape that the law cannot even be deciphered by the Congressmen and women that wrote the fuckin' things. We exist under a system that cares more about the technicality of the law than the spirit of its intentions. We exist under a system that increasingly seeks to limit our freedoms in order to protect us from those very freedoms they are supposed to provide. We exist under a system that allows ONLY those with money, and those with money alone, to enact true change in this country.

You want evidence? You need convincing? Open your newspaper and read. Go out to the street and look around. It's right in front of you and you can't see it.

Last fiscal year, and every fiscal year, a poll is taken in Congress of how many of them use an outsider to do their taxes. You don't have to look it up, it's ALL of them.

Two reporters for the San Francisco Times, Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, were just sentenced to 18 months in prison for failing to expose a confidential source on a story regarding the whole "steroids in baseball" thing. No, they may not be "above the law," as the presiding judge described, but they WERE RIGHT. And now it's going to cost them a year and a half of their lives for being right. Is that justice?!

Take a look out your window right now. Forget the broad strokes, look at the details. See that camera up on that pole? That's not just there to aid traffic reports, those cameras are actively controlled and monitored. Those cameras can move, and zoom, and are in full color. Think I'm being paranoid? I'm not. It's true. Next time you happen to encounter a cop, ask.

Look at your computer screen next time you check your email. Think that little lock in the corner means you and whoever you're writing to are the only ones who can read it? Think again.

Ever been to the airport? 'Nough said.

Do you know how to get the law changed? I do. You form a lobby, throw money at the right people, and you get whatever the fuck you want. Can I afford to do that? No. Can you? No! Can both of us together do that? No, we cannot! Who can? Corporations. Conglomerates. Industrial partnerships. In other words, the richest 1%, who work tirelessly lobbying the government in order to lower that percentage as much as possible. And Bush is only helping them.

I bet you think that's called "capitalism," don't you? Wrong. That's called collusion, an illegal and unconstitutional partnership between private and public interest, and THAT, my friends, is called "socialism."

This country was created by the founding fathers NOT as a democracy, but rather as a constitutional republic, and that is NOT just semantics. If you read the original text of the Constitution, you may notice that there is NOTHING in there telling the federal government what it CAN do, but rather just the opposite. The Constitution was written by Washington and Jefferson and Franklin and the rest specifically to LIMIT the powers of the government. It was written NOT to tell you and me what we can or can't do, it was written to tell the government what THEY cannot do.

Ever since Abraham Lincoln told the South that they could not enforce slavery, the federal government, and by extension ALL government has become a laundry list of everything you and I AREN'T allowed to do. THAT is what "government" has come to mean to me, and by the numbers of non-voters in the country, I am clearly not anything remotely resembling alone.

People may accuse me and my ilk of apathy, tell us we have no right to complain if we fail to involve ourselves in the process, but it is that very process which I, which we, are protesting against. By going into that booth and casting your vote, YOU are legitimizing that system. YOU are the ones who are giving these assholes the greenlight to dictate our behavior back to us.

And it really, REALLY does not matter who you vote for. Our two-party system is a fucking joke. You can try to tell me that by voting for a 3rd party I can make my voice heard, that given enough votes they will be granted matching funds, but we ALL know that no matter how much money is behind them, 3rd party candidates have not even a whiff of a prayer of EVER winning any election of any significance. Does the name Ross Perot ring a bell? The notoriously corrupt New York politician Boss Tweed once said, "You may elect whatever candidates you please to office, if you will allow me to select the candidates." In short, by the time names are on the ballot, the fix is already in. By the time you're in that booth, it no longer matters who you vote for. Why shouldn't apathy become a reasonable response?

By voting, you are giving your consent, you are providing them with that power. When you play the game, you are agreeing to the rules, and I REFUSE to play by their rules. I WILL NOT play their game. And by refusing to play, I AM doing my part in the process. I am sending a message that this system does not deserve my endorsement, that this government is illegitimate and will sooner or later crumble under its own weight in red tape. So by being a part of that system, by giving your "okay," by conceding that power to the process, YOU are part of the problem, and it is YOU who have no right to complain. That's right! I fucking said it! What?!

Prominent feminist writer Wendy McElroy wrote in 2004, "Voting is not an act of political freedom. It is an act of political conformity. Those who refuse to vote are not expressing silence. They are screaming in the politician’s ear: 'You do not represent me. This is not a process in which my voice matters. I do not believe you.'"

If that's not enough, if you require something more like numbers and figures, I can go there, too.

Consider this: in the last presidential election, everything came down to a single state: Florida. Officially the margin of victory was 537 votes. If any one of the 6 million or so voters in Florida had stayed home, that margin would have been 536 or 538 votes, still more than enough to give Bush the win. Hell, if 500 voters had said, "Fuck it" and stayed home, the margin would STILL have been more than enough to give him the nod. So even if you voted in the most disputed state in the closest election in the history of this country, your single vote STILL would not have affected the outcome.

Fact is, your single vote will NEVER matter unless the results in your state come within 1 vote of an even tie, and even then, it will not matter unless your state has enough electoral votes to tip the scales for either candidate. I won't bore you with the arithmetic, but, for example in New York state, the likelihood of your single vote being the one that decides an election are roughly 1 in 10 to the 200,708th power. You're statistically more likely to win the Powerball jackpot 7400 consecutive times. Do you have any idea how huge a number 10 to the 200,708th power is? If you were to attempt to write it out on paper, and even assuming you never slept, AND you started at age 5, you wouldn't even get to 1% of it before you dropped dead, even if you lived to be 120 years old. There's not even enough paper in the world to write it down on. Consider it's been estimated that the number of elementary particles in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is 10 to the 87th power, even at the most extreme estimation. If you don't know what elementary particles are, it means SUBATOMIC PARTICLES. Like electrons and quarks and shit. Think about that. If you don't know what those are, look it up, moron!

I could easily go on like this forever. Long story short, THAT is why I don't bother to vote. It's a waste of my motherfuckin' time. I'll take care of myself and the people I care about, and all the rest of you can go straight to fuckin' Hell. I'll meet you there...

...in the meantime, I'm goin' to buy a lottery ticket...

Ich bin der Bote des Teufels. Ich bin die Ausgeburt des Bösen!

2006-08-10T04:47:00.000-05:00

I'm evil D, and I'm BACK, bitches!

I spent a few weeks in Hell but I have returned from the dead to name you all before God.

And the first to be called out, the "STOP" sign guerillas.

I don't know what it's like around the rest of the country, but people around DC seem to think that STOP signs are their own personal platform for spreading their particular political agenda, i.e. STOP "the war," STOP "animal cruelty," or, in one particularly odd instance, BUMP "emo," whatever the fuck that means.

I don't find it at all clever. I don't give a shit about your agenda. Nobody really even notices. What exactly do you think you are accomplishing, aside from public vandalism and poorly satisfying your own pathetic need for self-expression? Is that really the best vehicle you possess for your sorry-ass grass-roots political terrorism? A conversation enacts change, not a stupid, callow, one-way proclamation.

KNOCK IT OFF! I appreciate your desire to be a part of the democratic process, but for God's sake, get a fucking job, volunteer somewhere, do something, do ANYTHING genuinely productive to help your cause. Your bumper stickers and spray paint aren't doing shit to help anybody except yourself. Grow the fuck up.

R.I.P.

2006-07-20T01:53:00.000-05:00

It no longer feels good to be a gangster.

evil D is dead. evil D has gone. evil D is not coming back. It's the end of the world, and evil D died alone, as expected. evil D turned out to be too evil for even himself, and now he is gone. Burn in agony, motherfucker.

...but he'll be back for rest of you...

Enjoy the Silence

2006-06-24T12:40:00.000-05:00

Hello I know there's someone out there who can understand
and who's feeling the same way as me
I'm 28 and I've got nothing left to live for
and I know now that it wasn't meant to be

I've got a photograph I'll send it off today
You will see that I am perfectly sane
Not for a lifetime
or forever and a day
because we know now
that just won't be the case

No commitment and
no confessions and
no little secrets to keep
No little children or houses with roses
It's the end of the world with me

We could be together as they blow it all away
We can share in every moment as it breaks
All has been lost and all has been done and
there's nothing left for us to save

But now I know that I don't want to be alone today
So if you find out you've been feeling just the same
call me now it's alright
it's just the end of the world

You'll need a friend in the world
and you can't hide
So call me now and I'll get right back
If your intentions are pure:

Seeking a friend for the end of the world.

Hit That Baby One More Time...

2006-05-22T05:47:00.000-05:00

So there's a lot of stuff going on recently that I could write about, like our oil problems, McCain talking shit to Columbia grads, Stephen Colbert talking shit to Dubya's face(which was hilarious, by the way), opening/closing the Mexican border, etc., but I'm going to leave those for another day, because today I want to talk to you about, of all things, Britney Spears. That's right, THAT Britney Spears.

Now those of you who read this blog should already know my feelings about Mrs. Federline and the like, but she has found herself and her baby in the news a lot lately. This latest time she was holding a drink and her baby at the same time and took a little stumble. For some reason this made pretty much all of the papers and news broadcasts, this mundane, boring, talentless cunt made the news for doing something that a lot of people have done dozens of times. Normally I would take this opportunity to say something maliciously sarcastic like, "Once again, Britney Spears has proven to all of us that you don't have to be poor to be poor white trash," but just for a change I'm actually going to take HER side on this one.

Consider this: the woman has absolutely NO privacy whatsoever. She's got a camera in her face from the moment she walks out of the house until she returns, and sometimes even beyond that. The "press" has got her under an electron microscope and they're never going to let her go. NOBODY would look good under that kind of scrutiny. Mother Theresa would look bad under that kind of scrutiny. Give her a fucking break, for Christ's sake!

Of course the bigger issue here is Americans', and people in general, really, obsession with celebrity. We don't just want to see them on screen, we want to know what they're REALLY like, and more specifically, we want to see them fuck up. We want to know that they're just like us, faults and all. Well, THEY ARE.

There's nothing special about these people, they're all just normal average-Joe's. The only difference is that they get paid a whole lot to do not all that much. It's a sad, sad fact that society as a whole values celebrity and entertainment more than, say, education or safety. People voluntarily spend BILLIONS of dollars a year to read about Britney Spears' mundane bullshit, and yet complain about having to pay taxes so that THEIR kids can get an education. If we put even a quarter of the time, money and effort into educating our children and keeping each other healthy and safe that we put into, let's face it, gossip, we'd be living in a completely different world.

I know that I've written this MANY times before, but I will NEVER understand why people care so much about people that they will NEVER MEET. Who cares? FUCK 'EM!!! Yeah, I watch their TV shows, I go to their movies, I attend their concerts, but do I give a flying fuck what happens to them after the bright lights go out? Fuck no! Why? Because what they do DOES NOT AFFECT ME IN MY PERSONAL LIFE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER, that's why. You will NEVER catch me buying or reading a "People" magazine, because nobody I know is gonna be in it. That philosophy can pretty much can be applied across the board with me. Terrorism? Don't care. Tell me when they get to Georgia Avenue. Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting divorced? Unless I'm somehow going to be getting alimony payments out of it, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!

Bottom line here is this: If I don't personally see it, it ain't there. Britney Spears? Who the fuck is that?!

the Bethesda Hillbillies

2006-04-23T06:05:00.000-05:00

I'll make this short and sweet today.

The other day I was talking to this guy, just bullshit small talk, and when I asked the guy where he lives, he said, "North Bethesda."

"Oh, right," I replied, "'North Bethesda.' ...meaning Rockville, right?" And then he gets all upset. I'll spare you the particulars of the argument, but basically he was offended by the implication he lives in Rockville, and insisted that he lives in "North Bethesda." What the fuck is wrong with people?

For those of you unfamiliar with suburban Maryland, Bethesda is an upscale, urban township in Montgomery County, and is adjacent to Potomac, one of the richest places on Earth(no joke). These areas are what the American Dream is all about, luxury and leisure, Beverly Hills of D.C. and shit, and are the places EVERYONE around here aspires to live someday.

What's funny to me about this is how the surrounding communities have (fairly)recently begun attaching themselves to these places by re-addressing themselves "North Bethesda" or "North Potomac." I find this both hilarious and fucking pathetic. Do these people REALLY think that putting "North Potomac" on their mail means that they live in Potomac? Yeah, right. To find out if you live in Potomac, just compare your house with ANY of the houses that are ACTUALLY in Potomac. Sorry, but your shitty 2-bed 1-1/2 bath piece of shit DOESN'T EVEN REGISTER in comparison.

Sorry people, but Bethesda ENDS at the beltway. If you live NORTH of the beltway exit at Wisconsin Ave., you live in Rockville. Deal with it. Furthermore, if you live north of Potomac and can even SEE your neighbor's house, you live in Germantown. DEAL WITH IT. What you paid for your house in GERMANTOWN is what Potomac residents pay in INCOME TAX every year.

I don't see what they're problem is. Millions of people across the country would KILL to live in a place like Rockville, and that's not good enough for you? Germantown used to be Cow Town, but today it resembles Rockville more than ROCKVILLE does.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with living in Rockville or Germantown. Rockville and Germantown are GREAT places to live, and anyone who has ever lived there will tell you exactly that. And the fact is, no matter what you call them, they will NEVER be Bethesda or Potomac. So all of you sorry, sad, pathetic, status-seeking motherfuckers can stop fooling yourselves, because I assure you, you're not fooling anyone else.

The County Wel-Fair

2006-04-11T10:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to relate this fucked up little story that happened just the other day.

I was at the local Safeway picking up a few things and I got in line. It was early in the morning but there was a decent size line, 5 or 6 people and only one checker of course. I waited patiently and when I was nearing the front, the guy in front of me got his things rung up and then he tried to pay with something called an "Independance Card." For those of you who aren't on welfare in Maryland, an "Independance Card" is like a debit card for food stamps. Of course his card wasn't working, primarily because I was right behind the guy I suspect, because this shit happens to me all the time. Anyway, after attempting to get his card through like, 10 times, the checker informed him that if the machine couldn't read his card there was really nothing they could do. "That's okay" the guy said and put the card back in his wallet. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash that could choke a donkey. I swear he must have had five grand in 50's and 100's. I hadn't been having a great day up to that point and I just went off.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" I yelled at him, "What the fuck is the matter with you? You got a wad of cash in your pocket and you're trying to pay for this crap with food stamps?! This is BULLSHIT!" The guy didn't say shit. "I might as well have paid for your stuff myself! I'm gonna end up paying for it eventually anyway!" The guy was still trying to ignore me, and he just paid for his stuff, took his change, grabbed his bag and walked off. Then out the store's front window I saw the guy get into a BMW and drive off. And that wasn't even the fucked up part. The fucked up part was I turned around and looked at the people in line behind me, and they were looking at me like I'M fucked up for saying something to the guy. "What the fuck are YOU looking at?!" I said, "Am I wrong?"

"No, you're not wrong," a lady said, "but you're an asshole."

"Hey, fuck you, too!" I replied, "I'd rather be an asshole and RIGHT than a nice guy and wrong, so suck my dick, bitch!" That's right about when the store's manager or whatever walked over with their rent-a-dick and asked me to leave. "Hey, fuck you, too. This is bullshit!" Then the rent-a-dick escorted me out of the store. I shouldn't call him that, he was actually a nice guy. He told me he'd been wanting to go off on customers for years but he needed his job. But anyway, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Look, I'm all for subsidizing the poor, providing food for impoverished people and everything, but when people are on welfare who clearly don't need it, that's some fucking shit. This guy didn't have a fucking money problem, he was just a freeloader, taking advantage of government beauracracy's inattentiveness, which is something YOU AND ME end up paying for. And when people give ME shit for calling someone on it, that's bullshit on TOP of bullshit. The guy was basically robbing ALL of us and the rest of these pricks were willing to just bend over and take it? What a bunch of pussies! I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Not only would I do it again, I'd kick the guy's ass on the spot next time. Then I'd follow his ass to the hospital and smother him because I'm sure he would screw us all on the medical expenses too. And then I'd find his family and slit all of THEIR throats because they're all guilty of the same shit. I'm not really going to get into this any further than that, I just wanted to relate that story because it was fucked up.

Mental Deficit

2006-04-04T06:40:00.000-05:00

Hello there! Sorry it's been so long since I put up anything new, I've been packing up my stuff and moving to a new place. Anyway, you don't care about that, let's get to the point...

A week or so ago I was at work and one of my co-workers walked in and immediately started bitching to me about President Bush.

"Do you know what that asshole is doing?" he said to me, "He's just running up the national debt, doing favors for his friends. We had a SURPLUS a few years ago, and now we're deeper in debt than ever before!"

Like most people when confronted with the subject of the federal deficit I rolled my eyes at him, but he just wouldn't stop. This guy is my friend and I like him just fine, but people who bitch about the deficit are only demonstrating their ignorance on the subject. Not wanting to get into an argument, I just nodded my head and listened for a few minutes then slowly backed away.

The problem with the deficit is NOT the deficit itself, but rather peoples' perception, or more accurately their MISperception of what the deficit is. Uninformed laymen, as the VAST majority of Americans are, tend to think of the federal deficit in terms of their own finances, that being in deep debt is a bad thing, and granted, for individuals being deep in debt is certainly not a good thing. However, the federal government is NOT a single individual on a fixed income. Unlike you or me, nobody is EVER going to be sending a repo man to the Capitol, and there's a reason for that, as explained below.

The federal budget is finance on an astronomically huge scale, big enough that only a handful of people, who ALL work at the Federal Reserve, fully understand. The average American has NO idea how that shit works, and frankly I don't entirely get it either, but I'm not talking about the whole budget, I'm talking specifically about the deficit, which the average American has COMPLETELY the wrong idea about. And so I'm now going to explain the federal deficit in the simplest possible terms so all of you people can stop complaining about it.

So what is the federal deficit? Very simply, it's future taxes. That's it. That's all it is. It's taxes that have not been collected YET. It really is that simple. If that doesn't do it for you, if you require a simple analogy to spell it out for you, here you go: It's like having a credit card with no limit that will NEVER get cut off. You take that credit card and run up $1000, and when the bill comes the next month, you can either pay the whole grand, or you could just pay $10 a month for forever and keep spending. That being the case, WHY WOULD YOU EVER PAY OFF THE BALANCE? Considering that you could NEVER get cut off, it makes no sense at all to pay off that balance, right? So it really doesn't matter how big the tally is, just keep on spending that money forever. You're probably trying to poke holes in this in your head right now, but I assure you, it really is that simple. Therefore, the federal deficit is ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.

It doesn't matter how far the federal government overspends. Really, it's just something that the minority party uses to attack the majority, no matter which one is which. When Bill Clinton was in office, the Republicans couldn't stop fucking with him about it, even though he effectively erased the deficit. And ever since Bush has been in office, the Democrats have been complaining about HIM running up the debt. And yet it makes no difference at all. Sure, that's a really huge and scary number when you look at where the deficit is, but I assure you, it's just political bullshit. The federal government currently takes in roughly two and a quarter TRILLION dollars annually. The only situation in which the deficit would become an issue is if 50% of all Americans suddenly became unemployed and never bought anything again. And even in that EXTREMELY unlikely situation, the government would NOT cease to function, it probably wouldn't even miss a beat, because of the reason described above, that the deficit is MEANINGLESS.

So there it is, the federal deficit explained. Please feel free to take my head off on this one, but I've only explained it to you the way it was explained to me from a VERY reputable and knowledgable source.

definition: sports

2006-02-22T06:38:00.000-05:00

Once again the Olympics are upon us, and once again we are forced to sit through hours of boring-as-shit, pansy-ass, pussyfied "sports" the likes of figure skating, ice dancing, and such. Who the FUCK cares?! Why do I have to sit through that shit just to see 5 minutes of REAL sports?! And that brings us to today's topic, what constitutes a sport? Last year I shared my definition of an athlete, and today I'm going to clarify exactly what a sport is.

Let me start by specifying that one DOES NOT necessarily need to be an athlete to participate in a sport at a high level, and vice versa. For example, race car drivers, NOT athletes, however they DO participate in a sport. Conversely, figure skaters/gymnasts and the like are definitely athletes, but they DO NOT participate in a sport. Let me explain.

First of all, what I am talking about are competitive sports, sports in which there are 2 or more teams/players competing directly against each other. Singular sports, games you play against yourself, those don't count. I can't really think of any examples right now, but I'm sure they exist.

Anyway, to me, in my mind, what constitutes a sport, in the simplest possible terms, is a race. Be it a race to the finish line, the checkered flag, a race against the clock, a race to score points, a race to throw something farther than someone else, a sport is defined by the RACE. Furthermore, a sport is defined by the way a winner is declared. Basically, if a layperson cannot look at the particulars of an event, be it points, time, or whatever, and clearly determine who won, it's NOT a sport. My javelin is farther than your javelin, I win. You score more points than me, you win. It's that simple.

So why are figure skating/gymnastics/ice dancing NOT sports? Because there is no race. There is no direct competition. They are not involved in any obvious, physical struggle against each other. Their "sport" declares winners by the subjective judgment of non-participants. They judge and then compare scores. That's not sport, that's a fucking test. Yes, of course they are performing athletic feats. No, it's not easy to do, and I'm not saying that it is. I am simply saying that it is NOT a sport. It is NOT a game. These athletes are more performers than sportsmen/women. It's the fucking circus with judges. It's the fucking "Ice Capades" with scorecards(speaking of which, who the FUCK keeps them in business?!). Sorry if you like that shit, but NO ONE is EVER going to convince me that it's a legitimate competitive sport, because it just ISN'T. And I'm not just singling out the sally-ass events, ANY event that goes to judgment doesn't qualify, like ski jumping, snowboard halfpipe and the like.

P.S.:
An anomaly to this definition, before anyone brings it up, is boxing. When there is a knockout, there is clearly a winner, but when it goes to the judges to be scored, that's bullshit to me. The way I see it, when a boxing match goes to the judge's scores, it's a draw. I don't give a shit who threw more punches, who landed more hits, who got knocked down, that shit is inconsequential. A boxing match doesn't end until someone can't get up, simple as that. Anything else is fucking pussy.

One Nation, Under Satan...

2006-02-16T06:49:00.000-05:00

So I've been very critical of religion on this blog, and those of you who have been reading for a while know exactly why, but this does not necessarily mean I subscribe to no "religion." I do in fact possess a very strong belief system, it's just not one that the flock readily understands. Let me demonstrate a typical conversation on this subject.

"Do you believe in God?" ask the sheep.

"No. God is bullshit." I reply.

"So... you're a buddhist?"

"No. While the eastern philosophies have their charms, most of that is bullshit, too."

"So... you're an atheist?"

"Yes... and no."

"Well then what are you?"

"I'm a Satanist." I say. This is where a look of abject horror washes over their face.

"You worship the Devil?!" they say.

"Um, NO. Devil worshipers worship the Devil. I'm not a Devil worshiper. Devil worshipers are idiots." This is where horror morphs into confusion.

"But... you're a Satanist."

"Right."

"You're a Satanist, but you don't worship the Devil. Why is it called Satanism then?"

"I don't know. Shock value would be my guess." This is where horror and confusion degenerate into frustration and they give up before I can explain exactly what it is that I believe in.

First off, what is Satanism NOT? It's definitely NOT Devil worship. To worship the Devil would first require belief in God, which Satanists do not. Satanists are, by definition, and despite the name, agnostic. There ARE "Devil worshipers" who call themselves Satanists, but they're deluded fools who are likely just seeking attention. Devil worshipers have no more success in channeling Satan than Christians have in channeling God. It's all bullshit. Yes, I know, it's about faith, but really, faith in what, 2000-year-old fairy tales? C'mon!

Well Satanism is also about faith, but a different kind.

Essentially, Satanism is religious ritual for people without religion. It's the belief in oneself. It's about self-empowerment, individuality, independance, self-reliance. It's called Satanism for shock value(probably), but also because it represents a rejection of traditional organized religious belief. It's having faith that YOU can accomplish things on your own, it's believing that YOU and your fellow man can save yourselves. That's it. That's all it is. It really is that simple. As I mentioned before, Satanists are agnostic, meaning that we do not necessarily confirm or deny the existence of whatever, we simply believe it is not within the comprehensional capacity of Man to understand the nature of God. We pretend to know NOTHING. We accept the world for what it is, NOT what we HOPE it could be. We are not willing to wait around, following arbitrary rules about what is "good" or "bad," in the vain hope that there is some kind of reward awaiting us when we die. LIFE IS NOT A FUCKING GAME SHOW, and Satanists have merely accepted that fact.

Now, having read that, think about this: self-empowerment, individuality, independance, self-reliance. Am I wrong, or is that not the classic "American Way" I've just described? I think it is! Those four above mentioned qualities, what is it that they really add up to? Freedom. FREEDOM!!! And what's more American than that? In one way or another, we are ALL Satanists. I'm just willing to admit it.

How to Get Away With Murder, episode 1: the Victim

2006-01-16T08:24:00.000-05:00

Hello there! Today we're introducing a brand new feature called "How to Get Away With Murder." This will be intermittent, like "Gross Fact of the Day," so there may or may not be new information regarding this feature on a regular basis. Some of these segments will be long and involved, others will simply be a short rule or tip, but over time they will pretty much amount to step-by-step instructions.

Now, let me start by saying that I do not approve, participate, or encourage any murderous activities, this is strictly for informational and educational purposes only. You, the reader, are solely responsible for how this information is used.

Secondly, I have ABSOLUTELY no "insider" knowledge of such things, ALL of the information contained in this feature is easily available to anyone willing to do the research, and frankly, most of what I've based this on is years and years of watching "Law & Order" and "C.S.I." It's shocking, really, what a keen observer can glean from just paying attention during the "investigations" on such programs. Anyway, the point is, I don't know these things from experience, this information is ENTIRELY untested, and these things can be figured out by absolutely anyone.

That stuff out of the way, today's segment is entitled "the Victim" because that's where you have to start if you're going to murder someone, right? Before you make any other preparations, selection of your victim is PARAMOUNT to not getting caught. 95% of all solved murders are the result of some connection between the perpetrator and the victim. Such connections are generally the best leads that investigators ever get, and they follow them astoundingly deeply. Therefore, we come to our first rule of murder:

Rule #1: Kill a complete and total stranger.

Killing a friend, or a friend of a friend, or just some guy you see at the donut shop, that's absolutely the surest way to get busted. You'll never get away with it. Nor will any "Throw Momma From the Train"-style "you kill my friend and I'll kill your's"-type arrangements ever work, either, considering there's still a connection between yourself and the victim. So if you hate your wife or your boss or whatever, that's completely out of the picture, you'll get busted within a day, don't even bother. Killing a complete and total stranger is the ONLY way you can even hope to get away with it. So I guess, in a way, this is an instruction set for serial murder, but let's just ignore that. Once again, this is all just for fun.

So how do you find a complete and total stranger? It's actually a lot more work than you would think. It's shocking how many people the average person comes into contact with on a daily basis. You want to stay local, but not TOO local. You want to select someone within 15 or 20 miles of where you live or work, but no less than 10, and no more than 25. The reason for this is, you want to be just a face in the crowd, and you want to have familiar surroundings. You DO NOT want to be a complete stranger around where you will doing your deed, but you don't want to be a familiar face, either. "Fitting in" is absolutely essential to anonymity, and someone from New York is going to be pretty out of place in, say, Minnesota. So you have to be able to blend into a crowd, not stand out from it.

Find a familiar area in the general vicinity of, but not nearby a place you go frequently. Selection of a specific target is not necessary at this time, overplanning at this juncture is excessive and will lead to you getting caught, so right now, victim selection is limited to finding a general area. Bear in mind people you know who live or work in that area, and try to avoid any areas where you know more than a few people.

That's pretty much it as far as the victim selection stage of pre-planning. Further instruction to come...

Merry Fucking Christmas

2005-12-25T00:33:00.000-05:00

Hello there! Despite the title of this posting, I'm NOT going to be talking about Christmas or religion or anything like that, I'm sure I've MORE than covered my opinions on that stuff many times before. Instead, I just wanted to share with you something that I believe to be a SURE sign of the coming of the end of the world, and it's called "My Super Sweet 16."

Have you ever seen that show? All I can say is WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't usually watch MTV, I have no idea if this is a new show or if it's been on for a while, but either way, it is the single most disgusting thing I've ever seen on television, and that's saying a LOT. If you've never seen it, it's a show about these rich, vacuous, self-obsessed, over-priviledged little bitches who've clearly never heard the word "no" before. MTV follows these worthless cunts around as they obsess over some bullshit party whose sole purpose is to show everyone how much better off they are than them. Why the FUCK would anyone watch that shit, other than simply to gawk at the gross morbidity of it all?

Yes, I know what you're thinking, ALL 16 year old girls are vacuous and self-obsessed, and I have to give you that one, but as far as that shit goes, these twats are the cream of the fucking crop. They order their parents around, they order their friends around, they expect, and get, whatever the fuck they want because they're somebody's "little girl." These bitches may be pretty on the outside, but they're rotten and ugly as fucking sin on the inside.

Yes, I know what else you're thinking, if they're that way it's because they were spoiled and therefore not really their fault. Well, BULLSHIT. Twelve and under, they can be spoiled and not their fault, but by the time they're 16, they can think for themselves, they can make their own decisions about shit, they like what they like and they think they know it all, and you can't tell them shit, and I'm sorry, but at that point it's on THEM, not anyone else, that they're that way.

Anyway, whatever. Maybe I'll come back to this some other time, but it's late and I've got family shit tomorrow, so I'm out. Peace and love and Merry fucking Christmas and Happy fucking Holidays to you all.

...except for those fucking 16-year old cunts, of course...

Don't I Already Own This?!

2005-12-17T07:06:00.000-05:00

So I'm looking at this week's "Rolling Stone" and on the sales charts in the back, Mariah Carey's re-release of her latest album is number three. In the sidebar is a notation about how "fans came back to the store for extra tracks," and as I'm reading this, I'm like, what the fuck?! Aren't b-sides and remixes what singles are for? Why the fuck would you re-release an album that only came out a few weeks ago? Because of money, that's why.

It's not like Mariah Carey needs the fuckin' money or anything, but still, her and her record company (mostly the record company, I'm sure) insist on re-releasing the fuckin' thing with a few extra throwaway tracks to make her fans go out and buy the fuckin' thing again. Is it just me or is that just wrong? I'm not a fan of Mariah Carey, but it's not like she's the first or only artist to ever do this, and it is fuckin' bullshit.

Now I know more about the music industry than most people do, and I understand that even the biggest artists only take in about a dollar per disc in royalties, if that, but c'mon! If it's not making them that much money in the first place, why is it worth it to release it again?! Artists make the majority of their money from touring and selling merchandise, at least the smart ones do, so the re-release of material is just plain greed.

And this is not just music, this mostly occurs with movies, like when a popular movie gets released on DVD, then a few months later, when everyone who's gonna buy it already has, they release the "extended version" with a few minutes of extra footage that, really, adds NOTHING to the film. And then a few months after that, they release the "director's cut," just to screw you out of ANOTHER twenty bucks. Well FUCK THAT. And what is that director's cut shit anyway? Are you telling me that the director didn't cut the original version of the movie? Bullshit. Yes, I know that studios sometimes re-edit the movies after the director is done with it, but the fucker's name is still on it, right?

Just look at, I don't know, "Lord of the Rings," for example. The original theatrical version was ALREADY three hours long, times three, and all of the major bases were pretty much covered. Tolkien would not have been disappointed. This version was released on DVD and sold incredibly well. But then Peter Jackson had intentionally shot and edited together a longer version that more accurately reflected the text of the books, and re-released the films in the longer cut and made a fucking KILLING off of it. What the fuck?! His reasoning was that, "the longer version is more for the hardcore fans of the books." Bullshit! The fuckin' things are already three hours long, what's another 30 minutes more to get the full story? Give me a fucking break, he did that shit for one reason and one reason alone: to make more fucking money. To make EVERYBODY go out and buy the theatrical version of the movies, then go spend ANOTHER 40 bucks on the "extended version" that, frankly, we should have gotten in the first fuckin' place!!!

And you know who's the worst offender of this? That's right, George Lucas and the whole "Star Wars" thing. Sure, you can believe that he had written 9 episodes of that shit before they even began shooting the original "Star Wars," but you're fucking kidding yourself. Judging by any one of the latest three, it is quite obvious that Lucas doesn't have that kind of imagination. How many times have ALL OF US gone out and bought the original "Star Wars" trilogy? Once on VHS, then the newer "THX" version on VHS, then the re-released "Special Edition" version with all the new bullshit effects on DVD, then these latest three, and now we're all gonna have to go out and buy the "Six-Disk All-Encompassing Set with a Bunch of Other Bonus Bullshit That You Don't Really Care About!" And then in two years, we'll have to go buy it AGAIN on HD-DVD or Blu-Ray or whatever the fuck new format they come up with that's really only slightly better looking than the DVD's we already own. What a fucking blow!

Personally I'm done buying "Star Wars." I don't give a shit about 40 minutes more of "Lord of the Rings." I could fucking care less that High-Definition TV's have two-thirds more resolution than my regular TV. I really don't give a shit that the latest Liz Phair album comes with a bonus disc that you can only download from a specific website and then it's a pain in the ass to even listen to the thing because of the 20 layers of copyright protection programmed into it, I don't fucking care! I only wanna buy shit ONCE, and that's it. I don't give a flying fuck about "bonus features" or "commentary tracks" or "behind-the-scenes featurettes" or whatever the fuck. Does ANYONE actually ever watch that shit? Has ANYBODY EVER listened to the fucking commentary track? Somehow I doubt it. That shit is ridiculous to me. Isn't part of the point of watching movies at home so you DON'T have to listen to some asshole talk about bullshit while you're trying to watch the fucking movie?!

This is all just corporate bullshit fucking greed. Record companies and film studios are not in the business of producing art, they're in the business of making money however they can, and that means SCREWING you and me for every penny they can. If they were operating with the same profit margins as, say, a grocery store, CD's and DVD's would cost five bucks. Artists are required to repay EVERY PENNY that the record company spends on them, from recording costs, to marketing, to printing CD booklets, the artists are responsible for ALL of that shit. The company is really just the middle man, except in this case the middle man is making 95% of the money, most of which is markup. Fact is, producing a million-selling album, after recouping their costs from the artists, costs the record companies just PENNIES per CD. And yet we have to pay thirteen bucks for it? Bullshit. And film studios are even worse, because most big-studio movies, even if they flop at the box office, STILL at least break even just from opening weekend because of the 6 months of hype beforehand. DVD sales are just gravy, and they're still screwing us, the consumers, on THAT.

You wanna see something that gets at what I'm talking about? Go rent "Fight Club." No matter what you think of the movie itself, it totally expresses how I feel about the consumer society we live in today. Everything is about "Buy shit! And then buy more shit! And then go buy it again in a few months because the shit is specifically designed to crap out within a year!" That's some scary shit, and I am doing my best to keep myself out of it, and if you're smart, you will NEVER give another red cent to George Lucas, or Peter Jackson, Mariah Carey, or ANYONE for shit that you already fucking own.

Gross Fact of the Day 12-14

2005-12-14T08:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I don't actually have a gross fact for you today, but I thought I would share a few things that I, personally, think are gross. Some of these are obvious, others might be a bit strange, but hey, so am I.

Worms. Gross. And not just the normal ones, pretty much all types of worms gross me out. Not that I have a phobia about them or anything, I'll totally handle heaps of them just for fun, and have, but they definitely creep me out. I guess it comes from biology class in middle school, because instead of dissecting something good like a frog or something, my class had to dissect a worm. And this was no ordinary worm, this thing was freakishly fuckin' huge. No joke, this thing was easily a foot and a half long, and thick as your finger. Okay, maybe that's just a tad bit hyperbolical, but seriously this thing was massive. It was at least big enough to cut in half and actually see and identify individual organs. It was all green and rubbery and shit from sitting in formaldehyde, and it squished when you cut into it, kind of like cutting across the grain of a really rare steak, and brown juice and gunk and shit oozed out of it, all over the place, and then you had to walk around the rest of the day with worm juice on you because you had biology 3rd period. Gross.

Wet plastic bags. I don't know why, but having a wet plastic bag touch my skin is just freakin' gross.

Wine. I just don't get it. Shit tastes like rancid grape juice. Well, I guess that's what it really is, so I guess this one's just me. But that being the case, why the fuck would you drink it? Gross.

Dairy products that don't require refridgeration. You ever seen that "Parmalat" shit, y'know, the milk in a box that the nerdy kids used to drink at lunch at school? What the fuck's up with that? I mean, I'm sure it's safe and all, but that's just fuckin' weird.

Dairy products in general. I still eat them, cheese and ice cream and all that, I just don't drink milk. What grosses me out about it is, one time when I was a kid I was thinking about milk for some reason, and it's "discovery" or whatever, and I concluded that at some point in history, somebody must have looked at a cow, cocked their head quizzically, and then thought, "I'm thirsty. I think I'll go over there, yank on that thing, and drink whatever comes out!" That's a very disturbing scene right there, and it freaked me out then, and it still does today. That's some fuckin' freaky shit. I realize, now, that it likely did NOT go down that way, no pun intended, but a disturbing image nonetheless. So no fuckin' milk for me!

Why, Oh Why, Didn't I Take the Blue Pill?

2005-11-30T08:19:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I wrote about evolution/creationism and, judging by the response I got, I touched a lot of delicate nerves. So now I'm going to re-visit the subject with a different point of view.

I realize that evolution is just a theory and not proven fact, and that creationism, or I'm sorry, "intelligent design" is merely an "alternative theory." I understand that people believe in certain things and they'd like their children to be taught the same things, or at the very least to be given a choice in what they will or won't believe in. You see, unlike a LOT of people, and while this is not always reflected in my writings on this blog, I possess an uncanny ability to see ALL sides of an issue. NOTHING gets past me. And it is THIS fact that is the source of my frustration with the creationists, that they are INCAPABLE, or at least unwilling to see the other side(s) of the issue.

If you want your religion, or I'm sorry, "intelligent design" to be presented to your children for their "consideration," that's just perfectly fine with me, with the following caveat : your children should ALSO be given the "theories" of EVERYONE'S beliefs, NOT JUST YOURS.

And so I'VE got a few "alternative theories" that I'd like your children to "consider."

Number one: the Universe is neither created nor sustained by a Supernatural being, it is beginning-less, endless and operates in accordance of natural law. Reality has but two categories, things with a soul, and things without. Cause and effect are the direct result of something known as "karma," that your actions and intentions directly affect your future. Violence, anger, pride, greed and attachment to material possessions are the primary causes of suffering and injustice. There is no afterlife, your immortal soul is "reincarnated" into another physical vessel, determined by the "karma" of your previous lives. Some of you may recognize these as a few of the primary doctrines of a little religion known as "Hinduism," or possibly "Buddhism," depending on where you live. No, I've never heard of it either, but apparently it's the oldest currently practiced religion on the planet, but I guess we can ignore all that, considering it's only practiced by ONE THIRD OF THE WORLD.

Number two: the physical world is influenced, not controlled, by beings known as "kami," whose main goal is to help humans attain happiness and prosperity in life by honoring family, nature, and life in general. "Purification," or the cleaning of one's body and dwelling is the negation of sin and evil. These beliefs are collectively known as "Shinto."

Number three: that humans were created as "vessels" for supernatural, other-worldly spirits known as "thetans." The human mind is comprised of the "analytical," the logical part that views the world with reason, and the "reactive," the part which corrupts the spirit with physical and emotional pain. This is known as "Scientology," or as it's more commonly known, "Grade-A Quackery."

Number four: our bodies are stored in gigantic, towering "hives" in order for artificial robotic beings to use our body heat as an energy source while our minds unknowingly inhabit a computer-generated "life simulation" known as "the Matrix."

Have you noticed a pattern developing here? People who say, "I'm absolutely right and you're absolutely wrong" have obviously never taken the time or effort to question their own beliefs, which, really, is the only true way to test your faith. Personally I was taught to question EVERYTHING, thus my atheism. Only fanatics, crazies, and idiots deal in absolutes. NOTHING is absolutely this or that, at least as much as you can physically prove.

Philosophical arguments are fucking pointless and ultimately worthless. The more you read about differing philosophies, the deeper you get into it, the more you realize that the harder you think about it, the less you truly understand. What philosophy is REALLY about is doubt; that you CAN'T know such things, therefore agonizingly searching for such truths is utterly futile. Which is, in essence, what "dianetics" is all about, the breaking down of one's ability to reason so that you'll eventually be incapable of perceiving the world in a logical manner, thus enabling your philosophical "mentors" to control you with fantastical tales of supernatural beings and miracles and shit. Yes, Scientology is UNQUESTIONABLY bullshit, and L. Ron Hubbard, it's creator, patently admitted so numerous times throughout his life, but can you honestly tell me that the above described procedure is NOT what ALL religions do? Can you honestly argue that the GOOD of religion outweighs the damage it has and continues to do throughout history? That's how we got George "Dubya" Bush. That's how we got Osama Bin Laden. That's how we got 9/11.

Now I'm certainly not saying that death, violence, hatred and war would not exist if religion did not, but how many of those things have existed SPECIFICALLY in the name of god(s)? How many wars have been fought, how many weapons have been created specifically to destroy one's philosophical enemies?

The simple fact is this: organized religion is a creation of MAN, not God, in order to control the hearts and minds of OTHER MEN. That's it. It's about power. It's about money. And which version of bullshit is taught to your children and masqueraded as "science" is irrelevant.

(And don't give me any shit about those last two examples, they're just as likely and provable as any other)

[special thanks to hindunet.org for info]

Replay THIS!

2005-11-23T06:59:00.000-05:00

We're just over halfway through this year's NFL regular season and it's certainly been exciting, in many cases because of FUCKED UP calls by the referees. Now I am totally in favor of the replay system, I think it should exist in ALL sports in the same "challenge" sort of manner, but the current NFL rules regarding replay are FUCKING BULLSHIT.

First off, once again, I LIKE the system that's in place in principle, but the ticky-tacky manner the specific rules regarding it are used is bullshit. The rules regarding replay in the NFL are actually contradictory and stupid if you think about it. THIS play is reviewable, but THIS play is not, that's bullshit! By having replay AT ALL, the NFL has CLEARLY admitted that the referees are fallible, that they make mistakes, therefore ANYTHING should be challengable. By having SOME plays that are reviewable and other plays that are not, essentially what they're saying is that the refs NEVER fuck up THESE plays, but they almost ALWAYS fuck up THESE plays. That's bullshit! You should be able to challenge ANY PLAY. You should be able to challenge a PENALTY if you want to. You'd still only get 2 challenges, if THAT'S what you want to use them on, then you should be able to.

And I'm NOT pissed off about this just because I'm a Redskins fan(and only because I grew up here), whatever team you root for, they ALL get fucked on this shit at some point or another. Granted, it seems like that shit ALWAYS goes against my boys, but it goes both ways, and it happens to everyone. Isn't it more important to make THE RIGHT CALL than to maintain the ref's "authority"? Isn't it more important that games be decided by WHAT ACTUALLY OCCURED than by some bullshit call by a ref who was 20 yards away at the time? C'mon!

It's not MY millions of dollars that are on the line every Sunday, the owners should be more pissed off about this shit than anyone, but we never hear a PEEP out of them, do we? You know why? Because they've made their money before the season even starts, from their 100 billion dollar TV contract. Every dollar you spend at the game is GRAVY to them. I don't wanna hear, or will I ever believe that these owners are just scraping by on paper-thin profit margins. You know why I've never been to an NFL game? Because I can't afford $150 to take myself and a friend. And the owners are going to cry "broke"? Bullshit. But that's another post altogether.

You know who else needs replay? Baseball. I know I've talked about this before, but it still pisses me off to NO fucking end. And I HATE it when people say shit to me like "Human error is part of the baseball tradition." BULLSHIT! You know what? FUCK your tradition! If tradition were so important to you, why wouldn't we all be living a fucking log cabin in woods? That's "traditional." If tradition were so important to you, why aren't we all walking around in leg hose and wearing white wigs?

That "tradition" bullshit is just a fucking cop-out. Anyone who knows anything about baseball knows that Bud Selig is the "Dubya" of sports. He SCREWS people who want to get into baseball ownership in favor of his old buddies. The whole MLB aristocracy is made up of Bud Selig's cronies. Why? For the same reason Bush does it, to keep HIMSELF in control. And it's not in his interests to bring replay into baseball because THEN he couldn't get the umpires to swing every important game the way of the big-market teams. Why won't he install a salary cap? It's NOT because of the player's union, they can and HAVE been easily appeased countless times in the past, it's because then the fucking Yankees won't be able to get EVERY player in the fucking league just by throwing more money at them than anyone else can. Which is the ONLY reason EVERY big free agent "is looking at New York," because they know that Steinbrenner will give them WHATEVER THEY ASK FOR if he wants them, and that just means more money in Bud Selig's pockets.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a rant about baseball, but this shit really pisses me off. LET'S GET THE GODDAMN CALL RIGHT, and worry about the ref's "authority" later. It's not taking anything away from them anyway, sometimes there are tough calls to make, and they HAVE an outstanding tool to assist them, but they still insist that they can make the right call EVERY time, and that's bullshit. These rules need to be overhauled IMMEDIATELY, or the NFL standings simply cannot be trusted to accurately reflect who ACTUALLY WON OR LOST. Period.

Gross Fact of the Day 11-14

2005-11-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Urine is the only sterile thing in your body. The ammonia and other chemicals prevent the formation of bacteria, meaning that urine is actually "cleaner" than your tap water. Gross.

Groundhog Day

2005-11-11T11:14:00.000-05:00

Have you ever watched the local news or listened to it on the radio? Am I the only person who has ever thought they need to just get rid of the traffic and weather reports?

I was listening to the news on the radio the other day and the story I wanted to hear kept getting pushed back with fucking traffic and weather reports. Does that shit REALLY help anyone? Somehow I doubt it. Weather reports I get, somewhat, but traffic reports are totally fucking useless, especially in the D.C./Baltimore area, mostly because they are EXACTLY THE SAME EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Does this sound familiar? "Traffic is backed up on route 66, at the Wilson bridge, and at the 270 spur. There's an accident on the Beltway between the Georgia Avenue exit and the Mormon Temple." It's the SAME DAMN REPORT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Let me help you all out and just give you the universal traffic report for the hours between 7-10AM and 4-7PM. Basically, it's like this: if you're driving in, into, or out of D.C. or Virginia, traffic is backed up. If you're on the Beltway ANYWHERE, traffic is backed up. And on weekends, same thing applies, except ALL day. There it is. Never listen to another traffic report again. Of course, if you've ever driven during the above described hours, you really don't need me to tell you that, do you?

And then there's the weather. Have you ever seen that shit on "Family Guy" where they're showing the news and they cut to the angry black weather guy just long enough for him to say, "It's gonna rain!" THAT'S what the weather report should be like. Look, I get the reasoning behind why they give you all that information, but really, let's face it, all you want to see is the weather today, tomorrow, and possibly the day after that. That should take, like, 5 seconds. Instead, you have to sit through 5 MINUTES of some talentless asshole droning on about fronts and pressure and cloud cover and shit, I guess just to prove that he went to college. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I don't give a shit WHY the weather is the way it is, JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, MAN! I could give a rat's ass that the jet stream is pulling cold air down from Canada which is going to collide with a low pressure system and that's going to cause a snowstorm(I know that's wrong, I'm just making it up to prove a point). JUST SAY, "IT'S GONNA SNOW." When and how much is all the additional information ANYONE needs. If it's gonna rain, if it's going to be sunny and warm, whatever, JUST TELL US THAT.

And why the fuck do they give you the weather RIGHT NOW? I don't need to hear what the weather is right fucking now, I KNOW what the weather is right fucking now. If you don't, STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. And I certainly don't need to hear about the weather YESTERDAY. I lived through it. That's old news. Why do I fucking care? And FUCK your damn records! Sure, it's useful to other meteorologists and scientists and researchers and shit, BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE. That's pointless information. SKIP it. Does anybody REALLY give a shit what the temperature record is for today? Does anyone REALLY need to know that on this day in 1896, it was 64 and cloudy? Somehow I doubt it. It's called the NEWS, which implies it's about recent or future events.

So, in conclusion, FUCK the weatherman, and SCREW the traffic reporter. You two are absolutely fucking worthless, and you're drawing valuable time and resources from REAL journalists. Go to fucking Hell, and take your damn reports with you!

...although, somehow I'd imagine they don't have much use for you down there either, as the traffic and weather are probably not all that different from right here...

Gross Fact of the Day 11-1

2005-11-01T12:28:00.000-05:00

This isn't really a gross fact, but interesting nontheless.

Oranges are actually not naturally orange. Most oranges are green or yellow right off the tree and chemically dyed that bright, familiar orange color during processing. Freaky.

the Beautiful People

2005-10-28T08:59:00.000-05:00

I was just now watching "NYPD Blue" and I noticed something that's been bothering me about television for a long time. I was watching that shit, with Mark Paul Gosselor(y'know, "Zack" from "Saved By the Bell." You know you watched it!), and the fat guy, and the hot chicks. The fat guy I have no problem with. The rest, I'm sorry, but in the real world, cops don't look like that, not even in Beverly Hills. Very few television shows, hard as they may try, reflect reality, including particularly, and ironically, "reality" TV.

Think about it. Look at a show like "Law & Order," for example. GREAT show, by the way, but that's inconsequential. The original two cops on that show were Jerry Orbach, the ornery old guy, and Paul Sorvino, the fat italian guy. But as the seasons went by, the cast got perennially younger and prettier EVERY season.

Or look at a show like "CSI Las Vegas." Sure, the cast is full of beautiful people, but most of them, dressed down a bit, could pass for regular folk. But every time they cast a new spinoff, the actors get prettier and prettier. First there was "CSI Miami," and granted it's based in a city FULL of beautiful people, but c'mon! And then there was "CSI NY," based in a city NOT so full of beautiful people, and the cast is STILL gorgeous.

Sure, there are beautiful people EVERYWHERE, but I assure you, very few if any of them become cops. Or lawyers. Or doctors. You know why? Because beautiful people don't have to be skilled. Like it or not, if two equally qualified people apply for the same job but one of them is a 6 foot blonde with huge knockers and the other one is a troll, who do you think is going to get that job? Actually scratch that, because they clearly are NOT equally qualified. It fucking sucks for those of us who ARE that troll, but the sad fact is, looks matter, in life, and especially on television.

I got a little side-tracked there, but do you see the pattern developing here? TV producers and casting directors make ABSOLUTELY no attempt to reflect even SOME semblance of reality. Sure, Dennis Franz is a realistic looking guy, but the entire rest of the cast? They look like a fucking Calvin Klein ad. C,mon! NO police department looks like that!

And do you know who the worst offenders are? "Reality" shows. Far and away, the worst. Because at least the actors on shows with scripts have SOME manner of talent. "Reality" shows are cast with, VERY simply, the most beautiful people who apply. Casting directors for these shows have no tough decisions to make, they just sort through photos and tapes until they find the 5 or 10 or so prettiest ones in the pile. They cast on looks alone. They certainly don't cast on intelligence, or talent, or education, or even, god forbid, sanity. They simply pick the pretty ones, throw them in some ridiculous situation, and liquor them up so they'll ignore(or play to) the camera.

And that's the other thing that pisses me off about "reality" TV. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT "REALITY" TV!!! Throwing strangers in a house together and filming it IS NOT REAL. Especially when you've chosen the cast based on who WON'T get along, simply for drama's sake. Throwing people on an island and not feeding them while forcing them to participate in idiotic competitions IS NOT REAL. Racing around the world? Who the fuck does that? Furthermore, there is nothing new about this shit! We've had crappy "reality" programs for 60 years, they're called "game shows." That's all they are. Shitty, fucking game shows. All they've done is taken the show out of the studio. That's retarded. It's "Crocodile Hunter" with prizes. It's "Love Connection" crossed with the fucking "Gong Show."

Some of you might think I'm pissed off about "reality" TV because I tried and failed to get on one, but I would NEVER subject myself to that bullshit, because of the myriad things my parents taught me(or tried, at least), the one I remember most, and still remains rule number one in my book, is "Never, under ANY circumstances, EVER trade dignity for money." And that's EXACTLY what these people are doing to themselves. They're just entertainment whores. But then again, they're not EVEN whores. Whores get paid. These morons are humiliating themselves just for the CHANCE to be whores. That's a fucking joke! And to turn these talentless assholes into "celebrities" is the biggest fucking joke of all.

And do you know why "reality" TV is so fake? Because "reality" is fucking boring, that's why! "Reality" is busing tables for minimum wage. "Reality" is sitting in traffic for 90 minutes to go only 5 blocks. "Reality" is morning papers, kisses goodbye, rat race all day, then start all over tomorrow. And this stuff is ALL done by people who are closer to resembling Yoda than Obi-Wan.

The only "reality" TV I can come even close to accepting is the "Jackass"-style "stunt comedy." Y'know why? Because they are NOT beautiful, they do possess at least SOME talent, even if that talent may only be fearlessness or stupidity, and they really don't give a shit if you watch it or not. It's still fake as shit, but at least they're genuinely getting hurt. And hurt=funny in my book. What's that old saying about, y'know, "You fall in a hole and die, it's a tragedy, but someone else falls in a hole and dies, it' comedy"? Is that not true? You know it is. Someone falls on their face, I don't care if it's your mother, you laugh! You'll never admit it, but you know that's funny.

And one more thing before I end this, but PLEASE, let's recognize the difference between a "celebrity" and "some asshole on TV." Rest assured, there is NO such thing as a "B" list, let alone a "C" or "D" list. If you're not on the fucking "A" list, you're just some asshole on TV. Tom Cruise? A-list. Martin Short? Some asshole on TV. Benicio Del Toro? A-list. Louie B. Anderson? Some asshole on TV. Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas, or whatever the fuck that bitch's name is, A-list. Vanna White? Some bitch on TV. Do you see the pattern developing here? There's only 2 types of people here, there's the ones who walk down the red carpet surrounded by cronies, and then there's the rest of us.

Sure, we'd all like to think we're on a higher list than Louie B. Anderson, but sorry, he's clearly one of us. How do I know this? He looks like my neighbors, that's how. He looks like the guy in the booth at the gas-station. He looks like a real person.

Football? or Football?

2005-10-25T02:54:00.000-05:00

Today I'm REALLY gonna piss some of you off. Because today I'm going to be talking about something that I have found to be a very touchy subject with a lot of people: soccer.

The other day I was at work and some of my co-workers are HUGE soccer fans. They were busy discussing it, and I was a little bored, so I felt like fucking with them.

I yelled across the room, "HEY! SOCCER IS A SALLY-ASS GAME FOR FUCKING PUSSIES!"

Well to no one's surprise, a HUGE argument ensued, pretty much everybody against me. But I held my ground, no matter what their argument was, because while I understand soccer is the world's most popular sport, I just don't get it. The gist of my argument toward them was something like this: I said, "I'm sorry, but any sport in which the most likely outcome of any given game is a tie, that's pussy."

Sorry, but I really do believe that. Same thing applies to hockey. I just don't get it. Ties? Draws? Stalemate? Whatever you want to call it, it's fucking sally. That's why soccer is the most popular sport with little girls, so nobody will go home feeling bad.

Now I've got nothing against soccer fans, nor do I have anything against soccer players. You like what you like, you do what you do, that's your business. I just don't get it.

Yes, I understand soccer is the world's most beloved sport. Yes, I understand soccer is popular around the world because it's simple and requires minimal equipment(just a ball). Yes, I understand it's the only sport accessible to most of the world because they have no money. I get ALL that. What I DON'T get is how people can get so worked up over a game that is SO FUCKING BORING.

Soccer is a fucking blast to play, that I will readily admit. But WATCHING game after game of it? Sitting around for hours watching NOTHING HAPPEN? A game where a single goal in the first or the last minute of play could very likely decide the outcome? Sorry, but that's fucking boring. Even more boring than hockey. At least hockey is fun when you're there. Even more boring than baseball. I can admit that baseball is REALLY fucking boring, and I happen to LOVE baseball. At least there's SOMETHING happening in baseball, if you subtract all of the built-in downtime. All I see when I watch soccer is people running back and forth for 90 minutes.

What would make soccer not boring? Up the scoring. I realize it's a defensive game at its core, but that's what makes it boring. Sure, it's a beautiful thing when there IS a goal scored, that's no doubt, but the hour of running around to get that one gorgeous play, to me it's just not worth it. The goal is HUGE and still most teams only manage A score a game. What I would do, and I know this would make it a different game, but I would pull the keeper and make the goal A LOT smaller. I want double-digit scores. I want basketball with feet. I want games to come down to the very last possession, not this boring-ass score once and play keep-a-way for the rest of the game shit.

Now I know I'm not going to convince anybody of anything, if you already like soccer you will continue to, and will likely send me an angry e-mail telling me so, I'm just saying that I, personally, don't get it. Just like I don't get NASCAR. If I want to watch cars going nowhere, I'll just get on the Capitol Beltway. Just like I don't get the pussy-fication of football. Football's got a rule book thick as a fucking encyclopedia. Tuck rule?! Bullshit. You can't even really HIT a guy anymore. But that's another article entirely...

So there it is. C'mon, I'm ready for the shitstorm, let me have it.

Gross Fact of the Day 10-22

2005-10-22T06:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been slacking on these, I was reconfiguring my system...

Did you know soda cans contain a thin liner in the inside that actually prevents the soda from eating through the can? No bullshit. Think about that next time you crack one open.

Gross Fact of the Day 10-17

2005-10-17T05:45:00.000-05:00

The FDA's standards for fast food allow for up to 0.15% of the weight of meat to be "foreign objects," i.e. insect parts, rodent fur and droppings, etc.

Gross Fact of the Day 10-14

2005-10-13T09:17:00.000-05:00

Oreo cookie(and all sandwich cookie) filling is made out of just sugar and lard. Try it: mix 1 part Crisco with 3 parts sugar. That's all it is. Think about that next time you see someone eating a "Double Stuf."

Premiering "Gross Fact of the Day"

2005-10-12T05:45:00.001-05:00

Today we're introducing a brand new feature here at DIFGTBAG, something I like to call, "Gross Fact of the Day." In this feature you will learn a new tidbit of mostly pointless, and gross, trivia regarding things you consume or participate in on a daily basis. So here we go, I now bring you today's gross fact...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005:

Did you know that every time you flush, your toilet expels a 4-foot plume of vaporized excrement into the air, which you then breath?

Atheism for Dummies

2005-10-09T08:16:00.000-05:00

Last night I was watching "Real Time w/Bill Maher" and the issue of religion came up during a discussion about Bush. On the panel were Salman Rushdie, Ben Affleck, and Andrew Sullivan. Andrew Sullivan was upset at Bill Maher, pointing out how atheists like Bill and myself tend to dismiss believers as "idiots." This is true. We absolutely dismiss them as idiots, probably unfairly in many cases, but being idiots is NOT my main problem with believers, my biggest issue with them is that they are hypocrites.

Andrew Sullivan was making the point that most Chirstians are hard working, generous, caring, just generally good people, and the reason is the values they learned from their religion. I'm willing to give him that one, that's absolutely true. He also made the point that for most of these people, it's not about taking every word in the Bible literally, but it relieves them of wrestling with the things that man cannot know, the existential questions about "why we're here" and what happens to you following death. That's where the hypocrisy comes in, and this is my primary reason for being an atheist: IN HIS OWN WORDS he described these as "things man cannot know." Well, if they're things man cannot know, then you are obviously admitting that YOU DO NOT KNOW, that these are questions that man does not, cannot, and will not ever have the answers to. So if that's the case and you know it, WHY DO YOU PRETEND TO HAVE THOSE ANSWERS?

It is completely mind-boggling to me that in this day and age people still cling to this pathetic, archaic belief system that there's an invisible man in the sky who created, controls, and watches over EVERYTHING. That's idiotic, particularly in the face of all the overwhelming scientific evidence that it's mostly bullshit. But then again, when it comes to people en masse, stupidity is clearly the rule rather than the exception. But I don't blame anybody for being an idiot, I blame them for being so blindly fucking ignorant. And when they say shit to me like, "It's about faith," sorry, that's a fucking cop-out. You say "It's about faith," and I hear, "I don't have any fucking clue what I'm talking about." And most of them don't. They really do take it on faith, they make NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER to find out the facts for themselves, they just go to church every Sunday and blindly believe whatever comes out of the preacher's mouth, and that's just plain ignorant. How can they take something they believe in so deeply so lightly? Because they're fucking hypocrites, that's why.

I'm not at all saying that being a believer makes you a bad person. I am simply saying that you SHOULD NOT just "take it on faith" that the Bible is factual history. The people who think the Bible is literal fact, clearly idiots. Sorry, but there is NO FUCKING WAY that bullshit is fact. Those people are living in a fantasy world, filled with angels and pixies and magic and shit.

And the worst offenders of them all? The creationists. These people ACTUALLY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THAT ADAM WAS CREATED FROM NOTHING AND EVE WAS BORN FROM A RIB OUT HIS CHEST. And they want to call it "intelligent design." Sorry, but there is absolutely nothing "intelligent" about that story(not to mention that Eve WAS NOT the first woman in that story, a fact that was actually EDITED OUT of the Bible, and very few of these people will be able to tell you that). Anyway, one of their biggest issues with evolution is that, and I quote, "It's random." They actually believe that the billion-year process of evolving from one species to another, getting stronger and smarter every time, being able to adapt to changing climate and food sources, they actually believe that is random. IT'S THE COMPLETE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF RANDOM, MORONS!!! It's called "natural selection," because the weak fall by the wayside, while the strong prosper and multiply. It's not random. Random would be a butterfly turning into a buffalo. Random would be a rhinocerous turning into a parrot. In one step.

There are already school districts whose boards of education have approved the teaching of "intelligent design," mostly in the south, and it's slowly spreading. This is completely outrageous to me. Public schools are funded by the government and this particular government was created on the principle of the separation of church and state, right? And what is their main argument? That THEY believe in it, and THEY should have a say in what their children are taught. This is true, I'll give them that, they SHOULD have a say in what their children are taught, EXCEPT THEY ALREADY DO. You want your children to be taught creationism, SEND THEM TO PRIVATE SCHOOL. What? You can't afford private school? TEACH THEM AT HOME YOURSELF. Then you can make them just as close-minded and ignorant as you are. These people want to act like they have no options in the matter, that the only education available to them is public school. In some cases this may be true, but of course the loudest of them are not poor, they are solidly middle class or up.

These people simply want to push their beliefs on everyone who doesn't believe in the same thing as them, and that's wrong. That's NOT what "religious freedom" is, that's NOT what freedom of expression is. The constitution of this country makes it free to PRACTICE your religion, NOT to force it on others, which, the way I see it, is the primary goal of many Christians. Christianity is pretty much the ONLY religion that actively recruits new members. The ONLY religion that works in an empirical manner, the notion that "the Word is good and it must be spread to every corner of the globe, whether they like it or not." This is arrogant, ignorant, and fascist. I've NEVER had a Jew knock on my door to "spread the Word of Yahweh." I've NEVER had a muslim knock on my door to "spread the word of Mohommed," and neither has ANYONE, because they DON'T actively seek converts, they let converts come to them.

Sure, the intrinsic values outlined in the Bible are inherently good, but all the bullshit surrounding it is INCREDIBLY BAD. Those core values are inherent in ALL religions, NOT because of any divine wisdom, it's just COMMON FUCKING SENSE. OF COURSE you should honor your parents. OF COURSE you shouldn't kill or hurt anybody. OF COURSE you shouldn't take things that don't belong to you. OF COURSE you shouldn't fuck your neighbor's wife. These are NOT brain-busters, these are simple things that any layperson should know, and they DON'T have to get it from any book.

So Andrew Sullivan and the like, all I have to say to you is SHUT THE FUCK UP. You be ignorant on YOUR side of the fence, and by all means you are welcome on mine, BUT LEAVE YOUR FAIRY TALES ON YOUR SIDE. I don't want or need to fucking hear it.

Coach Einstein

2005-09-28T07:56:00.000-05:00

Football season is upon us, and once again the sports pundits are throwing around the word "genius" at basically any coach that wins. This bugs the shit out of me because these guys obviously fail to recognize that coaches do not get out on the field and play. So in order to really determine who is and who is not a football "genius," we must eliminate the players.

Who has been called a "football genius" in the past decade or so? Mike Holmgren; Parcells; Belichek; Brian Billick; Norv Turner; Jim Fassel; Mike Shanahan, to name a few. But let's break this down. Let's separate the coaches from the players and then we'll see who's still a genius.

Mike Holmgren? In Green Bay, with Brett Favre, OF COURSE he looked like a genius! But take away Favre, stick Mikey in Seattle where they haven't won since, well, EVER, and no, he don't look so smart anymore, does he?

Brian Billick? Offensive coordinator for the Vikings for many years, touted as an offensive genius, because, above all other things, the Vikes offense was consistently good. Put him in Baltimore, and yes, he did win a title, BUT WITH EXACTLY ZERO OFFENSE. Where's the offensive genius now? So much for that...

Norv Turner? Same situation as Billick. Touted as a genius with the Cowboys, where he had arguably the three best players in the league at the time, OF COURSE HE WON WITH THEM. Bring him to D.C. and he failed to reach the playoffs but one year, in which his inept special teams lost a close game that never should have been THAT close. Then send him to Miami as Offensive Coordinator, the position where he's supposed to be so smart. The Dolphins have withered away ever since Marino retired and Norv had ZERO effect on that. Now he's in Oakland with the over-the-hill gang where he continues to lose. NOT a genius.

Jim Fassel? Took the sorry, no-account Giants to the Superbowl and lost. Did NOTHING every other year. Sorry Giants fans, that Superbowl appearance was a fluke, I said it then, and history has proven me right. What did they do the next year? Lost, that's what they did. And then the guy got canned. NOT a genius.

Parcells? Belichek? Shanahan? Okay, maybe. Parcells definitely knows what he's doing, he has only ever won. I'll give you that one. Shanahan is an above average coach at least, but a genius? Sorry, don't think so. He's got a brilliant blocking scheme that allows him to plug in pretty much anybody at running back and get production. Brilliant, but genius? Probably not. He'll be a .500 career coach when it's all said and done.

Belichek is difficult to grade. Yes, he's got three titles and is in good shape for a serious run at another one, but let's take Tom Brady away and see how the Patriots do. Let's just break Tom's legs and watch the Pats never win again. I'm willing to bet on that; takers? So I'll give Bill a tentative no.

So who IS a football genius? I would define that term as a coach who wins NO MATTER WHO IS ON THE ROSTER. Parcells counts. Joe Gibbs, in his first run at least, no question he qualifies. The under-60 list would have to include Bill Cowher(what is it with NFL coaches named Bill?), and, um, that's pretty much it. Why does Bill Cowher qualify? Because he just wins. He knows what he wants in a player, he knows how to judge talent, and he builds his teams the traditional way, the time-tested way, starting with the defense, and above all else, the running game. Bill Cowher gets it. Parcells gets it. Gibbs gets it. These three men all run their teams the same way, the old-school way, the smash-mouth way, where they take the ball and shove it down the throats of anybody foolish enough to stand in their path. The Bills will win now. Joe might take a bit more time, but I am confident he'll unfuck the 'Skins eventually, and when he does, it will be with defense(done) and the running game.

So let's give this whole "genius" thing a rest. Only looking back can you know who's got it and who don't.

Ask A G

2005-08-31T06:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not entirely sure I've offended quite everybody yet, so with that in mind, today I am happy to launch a new feature here at Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster, a little something I like to call, "Ask a G." Your queries will be answered seriously and frankly by my good friend, Tyrone from the Future. Tyrone is not actually from the future, but he thinks he is. He's a little crazy, but he gives great advice. Anyway, we go now to our very first letter. Tyrone?

"Dear G,
I live in New Orleans and my house and city have been destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. My whole property is now a lake. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Underwater in N.O."

Alright Underwater in N.O., I'm gonna make this REAL simple for ya. Basically, there ain't nothin' you can do. You're fucked like McCauley Caulkin at a NAMBLA meeting. You could have done somethin' a month ago, but right now you're screwed up and down and all the way around. My only advice for you and all the rest of your neighbors down there is simply this: LIVE ABOVE SEA LEVEL, ASSHOLES. Same goes for Venetians. Next?

"Dear G,
My brother and I are Shiite Muslims and we were on our way to the Mosque the other day when someone yelled something about a suicide bomber and people got crushed in the stampede, including my brother. Now he's dead. How can something like this be prevented in the future?

-Lonely Shiite"

Give up your ignorant fucking religion and think for your goddamn self. And LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE, asshole. There's never NOT going to be the threat of suicide bombers there, so just pack it up and move to a civilized country. Or save the rest of us your burden and just fucking shoot yourself. I'll mail you a gun and one bullet.

"Dear G,
My baby momma took the kids, the truck, the dog, and she roll. How do I get them back?

-Abandoned"

Okay, judging by your situation, initially I'm guessing you're a brother, but the truck thing is tellin' me you're a cracker, and your lady was probably a cracker too. Let me tell you somethin' I know by experience. Cracker ho's don't like trailers. A cracker ho thinks the projects is paradise compared to the trailer park, so if you wanna find her, just take your white ass to the nearest 'hood. But you won't do dat. Last thing a cracker need, and for that matter the last the projects need is a big lonely cracker wanderin' 'round the hood lookin' for his trashy ho, so basically my advice to you is to just let that bitch go. 'Cuz now you ain't gotta go to da store, you ain't gotta be changin' no daipers, you ain't even gotta walk no dog! Consider it a favor, and get your ass back in that trailer and cook some meth or whatever you honkeys do. Peace!

Thank you, Tyrone, for that thoughtful and sage advice.

That's all for today, we've gotta go get some 40's to calm Tyrone down. But we look forward to your questions and promise we will treat your problems with all the indifference with which we treat our own. Thank you and goodnight!

the Hall of Hypocrisy

2005-08-08T06:15:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or is this whole "steroids in baseball" thing getting WAY out of fucking hand? No doubt many of you are thinking, "Uh, no," but let's just think about it for a minute.

The past few days since the whole Palmeiro thing came out, I've heard Hall-of-Famers all over ESPN and the radio talking shit like, "He's on the juice, he's NEVER getting in." Yeah, 'cuz it's real easy for them to sit on their high horse and say shit like that, and as bad as Palmeiro's circumstances are, these guys are acting like steroids were only invented a year ago. The fact is, and yes I know we all know this already, but they've only been outlawed in baseball for a little over a year now. The juice has been around for 50 years, the only reason ANYBODY's got their panties in a bunch about it is because they just started testing and penalizing players for it.

Frankly I believe Jose Canseco was telling the truth, I always did. Bonds? VERY much on the 'roids. Sosa? Probably where Raffy got 'em from. McGwire? No question he was on the juice, he pretty much admitted it in public, with the caveat of, "They're not against the rules." True(at the time), but why hasn't anybody said they'd never put him in Cooperstown? This is a prime example of the hypocrisy that exists not just in baseball, but underlies EVERYTHING in this entire country. We crucify people who get caught currently, but when we find out people cheated after the fact, they get a pass. The three above named players will ALL get into Cooperstown, yet their numbers will NEVER reach 3000-500. Ever.

The fact is, there are actually people in the Hall of Fame who got there SPECIFICALLY for "cheating". Burleigh Grimes, a pitcher from WAY back in the day, was NOTORIOUS for literally chewing tree bark to get the right consistency of spit to slime the ball with. Yes, the spitball was still legal at the time(in fact, Grimes was officially the last player to throw a legal spitball), but even players from AFTER 1920 who used the spitball STILL made the Hall. Don Drysdale, Gaylord Perry, and Whitey Ford, all were notorious spitballers, all three got repeatedly caught doing it, and yet they ALL easily made it to Cooperstown. And this is NOT an 80-year old thing I'm talking about, Gaylord Perry got caught throwing one in 1982 against Boston.

I realize this is impossible, but I'd be willing to bet that if it WERE possible to go back in time and test all of the current Hall of Famers for steroids or whatever, a good portion, maybe even up to half of them of them would come up as cheaters in one way or another. On the juice, on meth, on coke, cutting balls, corking bats, you name it I'm sure EVERY LAST ONE OF 'EM is guilty of something that would today be labeled "cheating." So these guys need to shut the fuck up about Palmeiro and look themselves in the fucking mirror. It's more likely that Pete Rose will make it to Cooperstown before Raffy does, and that's just plain wrong. (Well, actually I think Rose should make it, and SHOULD'VE made it already)

Parents Just Don't Understand

2005-08-04T06:30:00.000-05:00

Today I turned on the radio on the way home from work, and the morning DJ (I work overnight) was talking about a new game entitled "Bully." The reason he was talking about it was because a bunch of parents got together and went to New York to protest the game at the developers' headquarters. This is something that really bothers the shit out of me. What is it about pushing out a rugrat or two that makes people completely forget their logic and reason?

This game, which is being developed by a company called "Rockstar," who are also responsible for the Grand Theft Auto series, is about a kid who is picked on and the game puts players into his shoes on his quest for revenge. Whether the game is in poor taste is a relative matter, and furthermore not at all the real issue here. The real issue here is the fallacy that passes for parenting in this country.

These are the same people you went to high school with, the same people you went to college with, y'know, the ones who would get drunk as a skunk and bang anything that moves, literally or figuratively. And now that they've grown up and had a kid or two, they expect the whole world to turn into "Sesame Street." Well I got news for ya: it's STILL the same world YOU grew up in, and nobody else has or will change just because you got your procreation on. The fact is, parents are the most irrational, unreasonable, subjective, logic-less people on the fucking planet. They lose ALL sense of reality in the name of "the children." Well you know what? FUCK your children.

I know this is the LAST thing parents want to hear, but Rockstar and similar companies are PRIVATE businesses, and they have the right to produce WHATEVER product they choose, as long as it's not cocaine. It's up to YOU, the parents, to decide whether you buy it for your children or not. And really, this game is not even designed with your child in mind. Research by the video game industry, along with all sorts of independant organizations, have ALL clearly demonstrated that the VAST majority of people who buy and play video games are 20 to 30-year-old males. I'm talking like 90% here. So it's no mystery at all why companies like Rockstar would make games like "Grand Theft Auto" or the aforementioned "Bully." They are simply making games for the people who buy and play those games. THAT'S IT. It's called "supply and demand," look it up, morons.

The point is, no matter how much parents would like it to be, it is NOT up to video game companies, the media, retail outlets, television, or even the schools to teach your children right from wrong. It's up to YOU, as the parents, to do it. If you don't want your kids to see sex or violence on TV, DON'T LET THEM WATCH IT. That's what that fuckin' V-Chip bullshit is for. If you don't want your kids to listen to death metal or gangsta rap, DON'T BUY IT. If you don't want your kids to play violent video games, DON'T BUY THEM. It's THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. And I don't wanna hear any shit about, "We have to work, we can't watch them 24-7," that's complete and total bullshit. If you aren't responsible enough to take care of your children, DON'T FUCKING HAVE THEM. Use a condom, they're cheap. And I also don't wanna hear any shit about, "They'll just end up playing it at a friends' house, anyway," that's complete and total bullshit as well. It all comes down to a theme that permeates almost every post on this blog, and it's called PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. NO ONE is going to love, care, and guide your children like YOU can, no one is even CAPABLE of loving, caring, and guiding your children but you. The world is a fucked-up, twisted place, and yes, you can only protect them for so long, but THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. Furthermore, that's just how IT'S ALWAYS BEEN. Personally, my own generation grew up in the crack-inated 80's. EVERY evening news started with "Today's Body Count." We saw and experienced violence and depravity like NO ONE has since the Dark Ages, and with my own exception, we turned out just fine.

So STOP trying to turn the world into "Sesame Street," just do the best you can to love, care, and teach your OWN children the RIGHT way to live, and they'll be alright. But trying to change the entire human race just so YOUR CHILDREN won't see the bad things, that's arrogant, illogical, and just PLAIN CRAZY.

I'm Addicted to Second-Hand Smoke

2005-07-25T04:55:00.000-05:00

So it's been a little while since I've posted anything here, and anything significant will be another day or so away, but right now I just wanted to review one thing.

I'm a smoker. Almost everyone I know is or was a smoker. And as a smoker, I get shit all the time from non-smokers complaining about my shit. I know I've gone over this already a few weeks ago(Smoke Banshee), but that shit still pisses me off. Why the fuck do non-smokers think their rights supercede mine? As I said before, tobacco is a COMPLETELY LEGAL product. Furthermore, once again, there is ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER that second-hand smoke is harmful in any significant way.

The only reason people think second-hand smoke is harmful is because of a BULLSHIT EPA report that stated "3000 deaths a year are attributable to second-hand smoke inhalation." Yet what these people FAIL to know is that the EPA's report was THROWN OUT IN FEDERAL COURT, because it was found that they "cherry-picked data to reach a pre-determined conclusion." I quote that directly from the court's findings. Meaning that some dickhead at the EPA had a hair up his(or her) ass about smokers and decided to LIE about it to try and force smokers out into the street.

What else do anti-second-hand smoke advocates cite as their "evidence?" A World Health Organization(WHO) press release stating that "there is ABSOLUTELY a connection between [second-hand smoke] and tobacco-related health issues." And yet the ACTUAL report that the press release was for stated that, and I quote, "The connection between [second-hand smoke] and tobacco-related health issues is statistically insignificant." Hear that? STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT. And what exactly does "statistically insignificant" mean? A non-smoker's likelihood of developing a serious respiratory illness is roughly 10 in a million. A non-smoker who is regularly exposed to second-hand smoke, his likelihood of developing a serious respiratory illness is 12.5 in a million. If that math is too complicated for you, the difference between those numbers is 2.5. Two and a half! And this is DIRECTLY from the WHO's study.

Even ignoring all that, here's something that ANY idiot should be able to figure out : Nicotine, the primary addictive agent in tobacco, is one of, if not THE MOST addictive substances on the planet. I assure you, this is an indisputable scientific fact, proven hundreds of times over by dozens of unconnected organizations. So if nicotine is so addictive, and these pricks are breathing in so much smoke, WHY THE FUCK AREN'T THEY ADDICTED TO SECOND-HAND SMOKE?! Think about it. We're talking about a substance that's as or more addictive than cocaine. As or more addictive than herion. People are getting cancer and shit from second-hand smoke, and yet they're NOT addicted to it? C'mon! It takes a heavy smoker DECADES to even BEGIN to see the harmful effects of it, and yet people who are just in the same room with smoke are getting sick and dying? Bullshit. And even if they are, just think of it as Darwinism at work. The weak fall by the wayside, that's just how life works, so fuck 'em. And if you're one of the assholes I'm talking about, you know who you are, fuck you too. I'll be coming to a bar or restaurant near you soon, and I don't give a SHIT about your lungs, your grandmother, OR your fuckin' baby.

It Takes A Thief

2005-06-24T09:47:00.000-05:00

This weekend I watched a television series on the history of hip-hop. They got to the part about the Beastie Boys and that got me thinking. Apparently, a lot of black kids kind of resented the Beasties for being white, but they recognized the skills and accepted it. This was a MAJOR breakthrough because it made the music accessible to white kids for the first time, which was the first step toward making hip-hop commercially viable to the big dogs in the recording industry.

Anyway, the Beastie Boys brought hip-hop to the mainstream mainly by combining rapping and loud rock music, i.e. "You Gotta Fight(For Your Right to Party)" and "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn." I started thinking about this and how similar it was to Ray Charles combining blues and gospel to create soul, and more importantly to this story, how Elvis combined blues with a country twang and "created" rock n' roll.

I say "created" because I have always and still do maintain that Elvis was a thief. Listen to the blues records that were popular with blacks at the time and then listen to Elvis' first recordings. Fact is, early rock n' roll was EXACTLY the blues, except performed by white people. Exact same chords, exact same changes, exact same tempos, EVERYTHING about blues and rock n' roll was identical except for the subject matter and the color of the skin of the person singing it. This really pissed me off for a long time because I never saw the connection before. I belong to the first generation to "get" hip-hop. I and everybody my age literally grew up with the music, through its every permutation, its entire metamorphosis into the monstrous force it has become in not just American music, but American culture as well. Much the way, to my chagrin, Elvis brought the blues to white kids, who embraced and took the music in their own direction.

The reason I say Elvis was a thief is because he got famous singing other people's songs. "Hound Dog?" Big Mama Thornton's biggest hit. But most of you have never heard of Big Mama Thornton because ELVIS WAS A THIEF. Or at the very least, his producers and songwriters were thieves. That's right, it wasn't until relatively late in is career that Elvis actually wrote his own songs. Even the songs that were written for him were pretty much just plaigerized from old blues tunes, with new "white" lyrics added. But given this latest epiphany of mine, maybe he was really doing the rest of us non-southern-non-blacks a favor by bringing this music to our attention.

I still don't like Elvis' music, I still don't really respect him at all, I still like to say "Elvis was a thief" to people, but I have to admit I might have unfairly judged the man at first. I now realize he was really just the right guy at the right time in the right place. The stars aligned and blessed this particular guy with a random series of events beyond his own control that made him what he became and still remains in many people's eyes, "the King." I still maintain that he was a thief, capitalizing on the hard work and creativity of infinitely more deserving and exponentially more talented black musicians, but I may have to take a little bit of the edge off of that one. Someday. But I guess that in a euro-caucasoid American culture, dominated by whites since forever, sometimes it takes a thief to bring us together.

We Don't Need No Water...

2005-06-23T08:23:00.000-05:00

Once again, a bill is working its way through congress to outlaw flag-burning. This latest piece of bureaucratic bullshit just passed the House and is now on its way to the Senate. Don't these people get it? How can we pass laws which contradict other laws?

Ever heard of "Freedom of Speech?" It's what's being trampled in Congress right this very moment. I certainly don't enjoy seeing an American flag burning, I've been conditioned, like everyone else, over the years to percieve such a thing as a personal affront and a threat. But the constitutional rights of every single citizen in this nation CLEARLY state that to do so is also completely legal. If I or any one of you out there wants to burn a flag, for any reason, you are COMPLETELY free to do so.

The First Amendment is the FIRST amendment because IT'S THAT IMPORTANT. Only a country where the most heinous, ignorant, hateful things can be said out loud without fear of legal reprisal is a country that is truly free. Listing the things a "free" person is not free to do should NOT be a very long list. Don't kill, maim, or abuse anyone, don't steal, and don't fuck your sister. That's pretty much it.

The real problem here, and no I'm not going to go into detail about it, there will likely be a whole posting about this, is a concept I like to call "the Lowest Common Denominator." What this is, basically it's the phenomenon of how EVERYTHING must be accessible to the STUPIDEST people among us. And so, and this is NOT because I hate religion, it's just a fact, generally these people are very devout Christians. And what Christians LOVE to do more than anything else is tell everybody else what to do. And because this country is run ENTIRELY by Christians of one type or another, we have lawbooks stacked up into outer space detailing the most insignificant offenses. And then they want to mess with everything else. THIS is what WE should do with YOUR social security. THIS is what WE have decided you are allowed to put in your body. THIS is the line WE have drawn on YOUR rights to free speech. Fucking bullshit.

I kind of got off point there, the point being that the American flag represents YOUR constitutional right to burn it. Simple as that.

Smoke Banshee

2005-06-21T07:17:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I was standing outside the building where I work, smoking, and this old man came over and started giving me shit about it.

"Don't you know that-" he started, but I cut him off.
"That these things will kill me? Yes." I said to him, "I am also FULLY aware that cigarettes have been conclusively proven to cause cancer, emphysema, birth defects, heart disease, and all types of other respiratory ailments. Yes, I know ALL of this, and I do it anyway. WHAT?!"
"Well... just so you know..." he trailed off, but as he turned to walk away, he had to start with the second-hand shit. "I don't care if you want to kill yourself, but-" and I cut him off again.
"My second-hand smoke is killing people around me, is that it?" I asked.
"Exactly. So why don't you-"
"So why don't I stop for everyone else's sake?" I replied, "Because I don't give a shit, that's why. I've already been forced out into the cold of winter, the rain of spring, the heat of summer, and the wind and cold of autumn by all of you self-righteous non-smoking assholes. THIS is the space I've been given, and I'm KEEPING IT. If YOU don't like it, then get the fuck away from me!" I said to him, blowing my smoke right in his face. He huffed and walked away.

Seriously, why the fuck do non-smokers think they have the right to tell me and my brethren how and where we're going to smoke our COMPLETELY LEGAL cigarettes. I don't say, "Do you mind eating? I'm trying to smoke here," to them. I don't ask them to take their coffee outside because the fumes bother me. "It's a health issue" they always fire back with. Yeah, it IS a health issue, FOR ME. Let ME worry about that shit, asshole.

Really, these people don't give a shit whether I'm killing myself with cancer-sticks, they only care about their own pathetic selfish need to feel better about themselves for NOT doing it. So they try to pass laws that I can't smoke inside public buildings. Fine. No problem. But when they start telling me I can't smoke OUTSIDE, that's where a line HAS to be drawn. You don't own the fucking air. If I want to blow smoke into the wind, THAT'S MY FUCKING BUSINESS, NOT YOURS.

And I don't wanna hear any shit about second-hand smoke either. Any report you've ever heard or read stating that second-hand smoke is proven to cause health issues is BULLSHIT. The FACT is that second-hand smoke has NEVER been proven to do ANYTHING to people besides a bit of nuisance. You don't have to believe me, you can look it up. And by look it up I DON'T mean go to the American Lung Association's web page, because they are obviously biased. In fact, don't look up anything written by a medical doctor, those guys are all biased as well. If you want REAL, genuine, objective research, get it from real, genuine, objective scientists. Doctors have an agenda to push. Scientists do not.

The ONLY "health issue" cigarettes pose for me is my OWN health. No, I won't smoke at work, and no, I won't smoke in the elevator or whatever, but if I'm sitting in the designated "smoking area" of a restaurant or bar and you give me shit about it, my suggestion would have to be for YOU TO MOVE. Saying something to me about it is only going to ensure that I chain-smoke all night and blow it all directly at you. I'm following the rules, so fuck you! Maybe there should be a no-bitching section for all the non-smokers to sit in so the rest of us can smoke in peace.

Look, the point is, if you really hate it that much, MAKE IT ILLEGAL. Otherwise, I'm gonna smoke wherever the fuck I can, just because I can. I'm standing HERE, and I'm gonna smoke. If you don't like it, take your grandmother and your baby SOMEWHERE FUCKING ELSE.

Schools Are Teaching Your Children Lies

2005-05-31T07:01:00.000-05:00

I remember back in the days when was in grade school, all the things I was taught, all of the history and science and mathematics I was taught, and now, as a college and mostly self-educated adult, I realize that much of what I was taught was not only WRONG, but flat-out racist. I think about all of the things, the inventions, the innovations, the explorations I was taught about and how I was told by my instructors and textbooks alike that almost all of these things were created, in some form or another, by white people.

As I got older, I slowly began to realize that, through my own independant learning, my formal education was guided with an undertone of not just racist ignorance, but government propaganda, the idea that Americans, Europeans, the whole Western World invented EVERYTHING, thus imprinting all American children with the notion that caucasians possessed a superior drive and intellect to all others. This misinformation did not occur to me at the time, even though the facts were taught to me at home since my birth. Only now as an adult do I understand and am really very angry about my one-sided, Christian, Euro-centric education, the education that was and is identical to the one that everyone else in this country has recieved since the modern education system was implemented.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about how American children are falsely taught that the Bible was the world's first printed book. I'm talking about how we're taught that a whole roomful of Europeans invented astronomy, how caucasian doctors invented modern medicine, how the Egyptians invented paper, how the Greeks were the masters of the seas, how European tribes invented and perfected the use of various metals. This is all wrong. All of it. Every word of it. The fact is, white people invented NONE of these things. EVERYTHING that white people and their allies "invented," right up until about the 16th or 17th century, HAD ALREADY EXISTED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD FOR AT LEAST A THOUSAND YEARS.

That's right, the Chinese are, without question, history's most enduring and innovative culture, and for some reason, America's educational system ENTIRELY FAILS to recognize this. For example, this country's racist, Eurocentric system teaches that Johannes Gutenburg's Bible was the world's first printed book. BULLSHIT!!! The Chinese had invented printing and movable type at least 700 years before Gutenburg was even born. Hell, the Chinese were printing books and illustrations for at least 700 years before Gutenburg's GRANDFATHER was born, but nobody ever teaches you that in America, do they? Sure, you're taught that the Chinese had silk and porcelain, and then that becomes a child's entire take on Chinese civilization, smooth cloth and white ceramic dishes. I cannot even begin to tell you how much that pisses me off.

Other things pretty much all Americans associate with Europe, i.e. white people, that were invented by the Chinese : the crossbow, the water clock, cast iron, steel, the compass, pretty much you name it, the Chinese invented it and some white guy stole it and claimed he "invented" it. Americans are taught that Egyptians, and yes, until relatively recently Egypt was VERY MUCH a part of the Western World, invented paper. Bullshit. Egyptians were writing heiroglyphs on pounded out sheets of papyrus. Papyrus is NOT paper. The Chinese were making real, recognizable paper from bamboo pulp since at least the 2nd century, A.D. Americans are taught that the Greeks and Romans had the crossbow. Bullshit. What they had was called a Palintonon, which was just a big, rope or horse hair or sinew driven catapault. It vaguely resembles a crossbow in shape, but it was a complex mechanical device that hurled large stones with SHOCKINGLY poor accuracy. The Chinese crossbow was an ingeniously engineered weapon of deadly power and precision. They even had "repeating" crossbows, which, with the simple pull of a lever, fired and completely reloaded in a single motion. This weapon was the deadliest firepower on the planet until the advent of the firearm, which, of course, was not possible without ANOTHER Chinese invention, gunpowder.

Understand, Europe was a land of war, disease, and instability for FOREVER, and China has been, for the most part, an uninterrupted continuous civilization for over 10,000 years. That kind of staying power tends to lend itself to a lot of innovation and invention, almost ALL of which is NOT TAUGHT to your children. There are probably people ignorant enough to think that Ben Franklin invented the kite. Wrong! Chinese again. Americans are taught that the Greeks, and later the Vikings, were the rulers of the seas. Wrong! Until up to even 100 years ago, Europeans all used large, single-piece sails fixed at right angles to the hull, ensuring they could only go forward if the wind was behind them. The Chinese utilized pivoting sails which could drive them with the wind blowing in ANY direction since at least 200 years before Christ was (allegedly)born. The Chinese were exploring the seas thousands of years before Europeans even concieved of the notion of exploring the world beyond their natural borders. Who invented the clock? I was taught is was the Greeks. Wrong! The Chinese had been making and perfecting water clocks for thousands of years, in order to accurately document the findings of their astronomers. That's right, the Chinese had been ACCURATELY charting and tracking the stars for 5000 years before the Egyptians, Greeks, or anyone else was even CLOSE to figuring it out. Chinese astronomers could predict the movements of the stars to within a 20th of a degree a thousand years before Galileo invented his telescope.

The point of all this is that the information I have provided you with here is ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG, regarding China and ALL of the ancient Eastern civilizations, which I and ALL OF YOU out there in America were simply not taught. The reasons for this, I can only assume, are the arrogance, the ignorance, and the plain ego of the Euro-Christian-Caucasian powers that control EVERYTHING in this country. I didn't mean to focus entirely on China, they're just a great example to prove my point, I could have easily replaced China with the scientific and mathematical innovations of the Arabs, but as you can clearly see, there is a WORLD'S worth of information that is being IGNORED by YOUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATORS, because THEY were taught the same racist Eurocentric bullshit. This is a vicious cycle that MUST be remedied if this country EVER hopes to compete with the educational systems of almost ANY modernized nation on the planet. YOUR children are being taught LIES, and the only people who can stop it are YOU.

Fat Bottom Girls

2005-05-29T04:26:00.000-05:00

The other day I was at the grocery store and as I was walking down the baking aisle I noticed that there was almost no cake mix on the shelf. I thought, "Who the fuck is eating all this goddamn cake?" And then I looked around at the other customers. A few elderly people, some MILF's here and there, and then there was this HUGE fucking gastropod of a woman riding around in one of those motorized carts that stores provide, and walking next to her was, I assume, her husband, who was also definitely NOT a fashion model. How the fuck do people do that to themselves?

Back when I was in college I worked as a checker at Safeway and I remember the SHIT that people bought for themselves and their families. It was simultaneously hilarious and tragic when a 400 pound woman would come through my line with a cart full of diet sodas, junk food, and then, like 10 cases of Slim Fast, like that shit offsets each other. I look at these people and I just KNOW that they think a package of Oreo's is one serving. And this was NOT a rare occurance at ALL. This was literally every other customer. No bullshit.

Next time you visit a grocery store, as you walk around, take note of all the things you see where the primary selling point is either chocolate, cheese, bacon, or frosting. I shit you not, one or more of these four things is in just about EVERYTHING. I guarantee you will find this to be absolutely true. EVERYTHING comes in some variety with one of these things, and then people wonder why their asses weigh 300 pounds. C'mon! You may also notice that pretty much everything is available in three different categories : regular, "light," and fat free. Is it REALLY that hard to NOT eat fuckin' ice cream? Can these people REALLY not start their day with a box of Pop-Tarts? Why don't people have self-fuckin'-control? Are their lives really so empty that they have to drown their sorrows in chocolate syrup? And getting back to Pop-Tarts, I really hope that parents aren't feeding that shit to their kids and thinking it's healthy. Look at the flavors they come in! Hot Fudge Sundae? S'mores? That is NOT a healthy fuckin' breakfast! You might as well just pour 'em a bowl of sugar with some Flintstones vitamins crushed in it and be done with it. At least you'll know what the fuck they're getting.

I'm sorry, but these people are fuckin' pathetic. Get your ass out from behind the desk, put down the fuckin' Dunkin' Donuts box and walk your fat ass around the block, for Christ's sake! Now they got this fuckin' Atkins bullshit, which is not an entirely terrible thing, even though I think it's bullshit, but then Atkins offers all of these chocolate bars and cinnamon sugar cereals and strawberry shakes and shit, because, I can only guess, fat people just CANNOT live without sugar! What the fuck is wrong these people?!

It only goes to prove that fat people are the world's biggest suckers. All the fad diets, all the excercise machines, all the diet pills, all of that crap is BULLSHIT. I've got the ONLY foolproof, ABSOLUTELY scientifically proven way to lose weight permanently, and here it is, completely free of charge : EAT LESS AND EXCERCISE. That's all. That's it. That's the only thing that works for ANYBODY. Except that people, ALL people, are fucking lazy. If they think they can lose weight WITHOUT actually having to move their big fat ass, they'll be more than willing to go broke doing it. And THAT is what all of the proponents of these diets are counting on, NOT because they want you to lose weight, but because they want you to be reliant on their products for the rest of your life. Curing fat people is what they say they're trying to do, but really they're like drug dealers. Try it once, lose a few bullshit pounds here and there, and as long as people see SOME results, even if it's a meaningless 3 pounds, they'll keep coming back for more, even though in the long run, they'll only get fatter and fatter.

The real problem is that people want "value." It's not a good value to pay $10 for a steak the size of a playing card, even though that's really all the protein our body needs in a day. And that perception of "value" makes things like steaks the size of boogie boards possible. People go into a restaurant, order a meal, get enough food for themselves that could easily nourish their entire family, and eat the whole thing alone. That's ridiculous! Americans have NO CLUE what a reasonable sized portion looks like. This is America, and EVERYTHING has to be BIG here, including meals, and that is just fucking pathetic.

Here's a simple fuckin' rule that will carry you to slim svelte-ness in no time : If you HAVE to buy the reduced-whatever kind, MAYBE YOU JUST SHOULDN'T BE EATING THAT SHIT. Every time I see some 300 pound motherfucker riding around in one of those motorized carts because they're just too FAT to walk on their own, I just want to run them the fuck over, except my car would probably just bounce off. People, learn to fucking eat right, learn to fucking excercize, and for God's sake, don't EVER eat fast food. Or do yourselves and everybody else a favor and just shoot yourselves.

Bury Me With A Yellow Ribbon Pinned to My Forehead

2005-05-22T06:44:00.000-05:00

What is the fuckin' deal with everybody and the goddamn ribbons? Who the fuck started this shit? Everywhere you look, there's yellow ribbons plastered on the backs of cars, pinned on lapels, attached to American fuckin' flags. And it's not just yellow ribbons, there's a whole color code to the shit. You got your yellow ribbon for the troops. Then you got your red ribbons for I don't even know what. Then there's blue ribbons and green ribbons and white ribbons, all signifying some different bullshit cause. But really, does anyone REALLY know what these fuckin' things are for?

I do. It's the master plan of some moron somewhere, who probably already owned a fuckin' ribbon factory and shit, and decided they're going to market this thing where you wear a ribbon to show that you support the troops, or you care about women with breast cancer, or you love to show everybody in the world that you're a lazy, ignorant fucking sheep who cares only about what other people think about them. That's right, because what that's called is vanity. Sorry, I know you'd rather get pulled over carpet tacks and dipped in vinegar than admit it, but it's the fucking truth. That shit is totally, completely, ABSOLUTELY about vanity.

I'm sure you can already tell that I LOVE the ribbons. Love that shit. I got boxes and boxes of the things at my house, in all the colors of the rainbow, because whenever tragedy occurs, the first thing I do is ask myself, "What's the shortest, easiest, cheapest way I could possibly show EVERYBODY that I want you to think that I care, even though I'm not actually helping ANYBODY?" And obviously I'm not alone because I see that shit EVERYWHERE. Cars. Store windows. Billboards. Newspaper advertisements. Anything and everything now comes with a little ribbon icon on it somewhere, because they want you to know that they care.

...about your money.

But this isn't about corporate bullshit, this is about the little guy, your next-door neighbor with the big-ass flag hangin' on the front door, and the back door, and the little car window flags, and the flag stickers on the doors, because this guy REALLY, TRULY cares about not doin' shit about anything except showing everybody that he's a patriotic motherfucker because, "A bunch of dirty A-Rabs flew some planes into some buildings and killed a lot of good people." And this is about all the fucking soccer moms who have ribbons plastered on all four sides of their fuckin' SUV's so they won't look bad in front of all the other fuckin' idiot soccer moms who "Just want to do SOMETHING to show my support for the troops. But I don't like the war, I don't think we should have to fight a war just for oil! Hee hee hee!" Lady, if they're fighting that war for anything, it's so YOU can drive your fuckin' Escalade around town at like, three miles a gallon.

Do these people actually think that there's a marine out in Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever, who hasn't had a shower in four months, living in a fuckin' impact crater, eating rats and bugs and shit because army rations taste like snot in a bag, spending his days torturing prisoners and shooting at his fellow soldiers(And what is the deal with the "friendly fire" shit? Aren't we supposed to be the most advanced army in the history of the fuckin' world, and we can't even distinguish between ourselves and the enemy? What the fuck?! But that's another story entirely...), do these people REALLY believe that that guy is sitting in his fuckin' hole, thinking, "Man, this sucks ass, but those ribbons people are wearing back home really make me feel better about all this."? No, I don't think so. Those ribbons aren't meant to do anything for the troops, that shit is to make YOU feel better about yourself for not doing anything else.

The point of all this is that this ribbon bullshit is ABSOLUTELY THE LEAST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO. Wearing a ribbon is NOT EVEN a step above doing nothing. You want to "support the troops"? Write a letter, make a phone call, organize a meeting, do something, do ANYTHING pro-active to get those fuckers home. Personally I don't give a shit about them, they volunteered, they should have known better, fuck 'em. But those of you who DO care, get up off your lazy ass and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Cynical as I and most Americans are, believe it or not, WE DO HAVE THE POWER. But we have to wield it in order to see results. Pinning a ribbon on and just sitting back is just not gonna cut it. The Bush administration doesn't want you to do anything other than pin a ribbon on because they know that if they convince you that this shallow, petty, ignorant, and downright selfish gesture is "helping the troops," you'll sit back and take whatever ass-reamingly retarded bullshit policy they come up with to "protect you."

The government can't protect you from itself, so those who want change MUST CHANGE IT. Accepting that the Bush administration is eroding away all of your personal rights in the interest of "your own protection" is idiotic and dangerous, and the only way it's going to stop is if you ignore your irrational fears, get the facts, and fight for the things YOU want. The government doesn't control you, YOU DO. So act like it. Or get a job at the ribbon factory.

Recycle THIS!

2005-05-09T05:40:00.000-05:00

The other day I heard a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there was a man from the local neighborhood association and a cop standing there. They told me they were there to serve a citation to me for not recycling. As I'm sure you can guess, this made my fuckin' day. These two dickheads then hand me a citation for $250 and start lecturing me on the "benefits of recycling." I slammed the door in their faces. Fuckers.

This is bullshit on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. Number one, the only way they would know that I wasn't recycling is if some busy-body, unemployed, old fuckin' hippie was nosing through my trash. Who the fuck really cares about this shit enough to ACTUALLY SIFT THROUGH MY FUCKIN' TRASH?! Apparently, everyone on my fuckin' block. These people are idiots. They bought all the government's propaganda and started recycling EVERYTHING, completely without possessing ANY FACTS.

So here's the facts: recycling has NOT been proven to do jack shit for ANYONE. Period. Of course there are exceptions, and the one exception in this case is aluminum cans. Recycle your aluminum cans, they genuinely conserve resources, not to mention turn a real profit. Everything else, on the other hand, is actually costing you money. That's right, all that glass and paper and cardboard and shit that YOU spend your valuable time sorting through, is actually costing you more money than to just make new glass and paper. Seriously.

People call bullshit on that one all time, but it's absolutely true. People seem to have a real tough time wrapping their minds around the fact that all of their efforts are for naught. Paper is the worst one. EVERYONE is convinced that greedy paper companies are deforesting the world, but it's just not true. Fact is, people use paper, so paper companies grow trees SPECIFICALLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING PAPER. Think about it. And don't fuckin' tell me that trees don't grow fast enough for that to work. Truth is, they grow SEVERAL TIMES more than they'll need for any given year, just so they WON'T HAVE TO GO INTO THE FOREST. Once again, you don't have to believe me, you can look it up. I am totally not bullshitting you at all.

Fact is, paper and lumber companies don't cause deforestation, POOR PEOPLE cause deforestation. These pricks waste no time blaming big, American corporations for all of their problems, but the truth is, the rain forests ARE NOT clear-cut by greedy American lumber companies, they are clear-cut by the local inhabitants so they can farm on that land and feed themselves. Think about it.

And I'm certainly not saying that big, American corporations aren't greedy, or that they're NOT a part of the problem, BUT they cause substantially LESS damage to the environment than, say, you driving your SUV 70 miles out of the way just so you can shop at THIS store.

And then people say some shit about, "It's not about the money it's about the environment." Sorry, but the fact is, you're NOT trying to save the environment. The environment is going to be just FINE with or without us. What you're really trying to save is YOUR OWN ASS. And that's NOT called conservation, or environmentalism, that's called fear. That's all it is, it's fear. And that's pathetic.

Besides, trash is NOT the big problem that people make it out to be. You think of a landfill, you think of what? You think of a huge field of open trash. That's NOT a landfill, that's a dump. Dumps are disgusting, and I understand why that sort of thing would offend people, but landfills ARE NOT DUMPS. Landfills are EXTREMELY carefully managed disposal sites that look NOTHING like a big field of trash. They actually resemble a modern mine more than anything else. There IS NO OPEN TRASH IN A LANDFILL. It's piled up, covered up, and then compressed down. You would need a backhoe and a few hours to dig up any genuine trash. No bullshit.

Still not convinced? Consider this: one giant landfill 60 miles square and 500 feet deep would hold well over 1000 years' worth of trash. Seriously. Look it up if you don't believe me, but I assure you, it's true.

So I took my citation, signed the back and mailed it back to them. I'm goin' to fight this thing in court, and when I win, and I WILL win, it's all gonna be over for all of you pathetic fuckin' hippies. I'm takin' you ALL on, and when this is over, the world is gonna see things my way. Which is the FACTUAL way. And you're just gonna have to deal with it.

...oh, and by the way, if I EVER catch anyone nosing through my trash, I'm breakin' out the shotgun and goin' fucking hunting. Until that shit goes in the truck, it still belongs to ME, and I protect my property like my fuckin' mother.

Save the Tuna; Eat Dolphin

2005-05-08T06:28:00.000-05:00

Save the tunas!

I have just recently become aware of a horrendous atrocity occurring in the fishing industry: cute, playful little tunas are being caught and killed in fishing nets! This is just sickening to me. I realize that tunas are NOT endangered, but how could anyone want to harm these intelligent creatures, especially when there are plenty of large, tasty dolphins in those same nets?

Tuna are one of the most intelligent and playful creatures in the sea. Tuna are known to use tools, such as rocks, to accomplish tasks. They have demonstrated a memory capacity on par with ANY other creature on the planet. In a recent study of fish behavior, tunas escaped from a net and remembered how to do it 11 months later. This is the equivalent of a person recalling something from 40 years ago. Tunas possess a spatial memory the equal of any other, allowing them to mentally "map" their watery enviroment. They can "recognize" another individual fish in a school. No bullshit. You don't have to believe me, you can look this shit up yourself.

Dolphins, on the other hand, are known as the "clowns of the sea." This means what? This means that dolphins inhabit an extremely low rung on the "totem pole of the sea." They're just not respected. They are at the mercy of sharks, killer whales, barracuda, pretty much anything with teeth eat these fuckin' things. And why not? They're delicious! Fresh or from the can, there's just no beatin' a dolphin salad sandwich and a bag of chips. You can find lots of tasty recipes for dolphin at: www.fooddownunder.com. I love it!

As for the "clown" thing, just remember this: You're laughing AT them, not with them. What does that tell you?

So please, PLEASE don't eat the tunas! I beg you, only eat "tuna-safe" dolphin from now on. Your conscience will thank you.

Baseball : Imperfect, Or Just Lazy?

2005-04-18T05:16:00.000-05:00

"Baseball is imperfect."

This is what I am told every time I start bitching about the bullshit rules of baseball. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing this shit. I am sick and fucking tired of being told that it's "tradition." I am sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired. And is it any wonder that the people I hear this shit from the most is Yankees fans? Why? Because that shit ALWAYS works in their favor, that's why!

The reason that "baseball is imperfect" is because it couldn't be any other way 100 years ago. They didn't possess the technology that we enjoy today, and it was impossible for one guy 500 feet away to tell if a fan had interfered with a ball or not. It just couldn't be done. It can today, though.

Every other sport has utilized today's advanced video technology to make their officiating as accurate as possible. Even a sport as fast-paced as basketball uses instant replay from time to time. It's not really even that rare. Baseball, however, continues to insist that "imperfection is just part of the game." BULLSHIT!

You're telling me that 150 years of "tradition" is more important to you than the millions, if not billions, of dollars baseball rakes in every single year. You're telling me that 150 years of "tradition" is worth more than, say, somebody OTHER than the fucking Yankees winning the title? And I don't wanna hear any shit about "the Yankees haven't won it all in 5 years." Fuck that. They've been in contention every one of those years, haven't they?

Sorry, but "tradition" is just another way of saying, "We're too fucking lazy to change it." The people who endorse this shit are NEVER the ones who have watched a series-winning home run get turned into a series-ending out because some dickhead in the stands reached over the wall. And nevermind the fact that EVERYBODY at home can CLEARLY see that the ball was fucked with. Are you telling me that they can't have some kind of replay system so that the umpire can ACTUALLY SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED?

By the standards of every other major sport in the WORLD, baseball is still in the fucking dark ages. This is a game that relies ENTIRELY on 4 men who may or may not be looking at the same thing to come to a concensus on shit that happened hundreds of feet from ANY OF THEM? BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!

Y'know, my main problem with this is fan interference, which could EASILY be remedied by simply separating the fans from the wall by a few feet. It's really not that big a deal to anybody but the Yankees, because the Yankees are the only team that sells out every game. It wouldn't even matter to any other team because there are ALWAYS empty seats everywhere OTHER than the Bronx, or wherever the fuck Yankee stadium is.

Baseball, your "imperfection" and "tradition" are RAPING every team in the league, and I for one, as of this day, am NEVER going to patronize your game again. Until this shit gets fixed, I'm out. I'm gone. I'm fucking done with this shit, and those of you who are smart, you'll ban it, too. Because MY fucking money is NOT going to be supporting a game that DOES NOT CARE whether the outcomes are correct or not. So fuck baseball. Fuck baseball up its stupid, fucking ass.

Oh, and fuck the Yankees, too, just because I fucking hate them.

I'm A Racist

2005-04-11T05:48:00.000-05:00

A day or two ago I got involved in a huge argument with the black guys I work with.

I was just walking past them and I overheard something about a class action lawsuit. So I asked them who they were going to sue.
"The government, man, who else?" they said.
"Oh. For what?" I inquired.
"Reparations for slavery."
"Oh, right. Well, um, I... think that's a good idea. I think you should do it," I said to them, "but just tell me one thing first. Exactly how long were each of you slaves?"
"What?!"
"I said, 'Exactly how long were each of you slaves?' Exactly where and how long were you personally a slave?" I asked them.
"Well, I was never a slave myself, but my great-great-grandfather was."
"Okay. ...Is your great-great-grandfather still alive?" I asked.
"Of course not."
"Well if he was, HE would have a case," I said, "but frankly, YOU deserve nothing."

As I'm sure you can guess, a huge, very heated argument ensued directly following this little volley. And I totally see their point. I understand their frustration and anger over the whole slavery thing, but I'm sorry, they need to GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

"What about the Japanese?" they argued at me.
"What about them?" I replied.
"The Japanese people who got thrown in camps during World War II," they said, "The government gave THEM reparations, why can't we get them? That's all we want."
"Well, first of all, the Japanese people who got reparations are the ones who ACTUALLY GOT THROWN IN THE CAMPS. Their grandchildren DO NOT have any cause or justification to sue the government for reparations NOW, and neither do you." I told them, "And second of all, all I see you guys wanting is money for nothing."

Needless to say, that REALLY pissed them off, but deep down I know they know I'm right.

The history of this country, at least the last hundred years or so, has cultured a society of fucking crybabies who all want free money because their lives suck. We have developed a national mindset that everyone is special, that everyone has a right to this or that, and I am just fucking sick of it. People everywhere are doing stupid things to themselves and each other and then finding somebody rich to sue for it. Personal responsibility is being thrown out the fucking window and it is neither healthy nor economically sound. Fat people are sueing McDonald's for selling them food. Smokers are sueing tobacco companies for killing them with a product that only an idiot doesn't know is unhealthy. Idiots are sueing gun companies for making products that do what they're supposed to do. C'mon!

Look, I have nothing whatsoever against people sueing corporations for shit. Fuck corporate America! Nor do I have anything against black people, white people, red, green, blue, whatever the fuck you are, I am equally indifferent to you all. But there are actually people in the world, and even in this country who are genuinely willing to EARN WHAT THEY'VE GOT. We live in a fast-food, scratch-off ticket world where if it's not done NOW, it's not being done fast enough and it's turned our entire lives into one big lottery. Every time you fuck up, you look around for someone else to blame, and then sue.

THE COURT SYSTEM IN AMERICA DOES NOT EXIST TO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER. Sorry, it's just not. So what is it for? That's right, the entire judicial system exists for the sole purpose of keeping black people down. There, I said it. Now it's out there, and everybody knows. You're still not getting any fucking reparations, though.

Terrorism = Natural Selection

2005-04-01T00:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's fun to fuck with people. Actually, it's ALWAYS fun to fuck with people. Especially the scared ones. The religious, the hypocondriacs, the terrorism-paranoid, it's ALL good, wholesome, family fun. Let's go find some weak people and exploit them, shall we?

I know a guy that manages a grocery store. He's absolutely TERRIFIED of everything ever since 9/11. So I like to fuck with him.
"Hey, you should evacuate the store, I found some mysterious white powder on the floor."
"WHAT?! WHERE?!"
"In the baking aisle, right in front of the flour."
This man is an idiot, and if I knew how, I would direct Al Quaeda right to his front fucking door.

Remember that "alert" on the news, telling everyone they could protect themselves from chemical attack with plastic sheeting and duct tape? Think about it. PLASTIC AND DUCT TAPE! C'mon, are you fucking serious? The crazy part of this, is that people FLOCKED to the fucking store, HOARDING this shit. One guy actually sealed up his home so well that he FUCKING SUFFOCATED. Morons. THINK a little.

Consider this : In World War I, BOTH sides used an exceedingly large amount of poison gas on each other, mostly mustard gas. Now mustard gas, while not exactly sarin, will still cause an incredibly excruciating death, relatively quickly. The problem that mustard gas users encountered though, was that they KEPT RUNNING OUT BEFORE ACTUALLY KILLING ANYONE. So, they just produced more and more of the shit, and released ever-increasing amounts of it onto the battlefield. I'm not sure of the exact numbers, but calculating out the amount of gas released, divided by the number of deaths attributable to it, you get something like 40 tons. FORTY FUCKING TONS OF GAS for every single man killed by it. Think about it. FORTY FUCKING TONS. Of GAS. That's a hell of an inefficient way to kill people, then AND today. In today's money that's like eleven million dollars per kill. ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS. Bullets cost pennies apiece. Nukes cost millions, but you end up paying only about a dollar per death. THINK ABOUT IT. Which would YOU choose?

So let me say this : Those who are most paranoid about terrorism are the ones who will NEVER be subject to attack. Here in D.C., we ACTUALLY GOT ATTACKED, we will NEVER NOT be a target, and people around here generally just accept it and go on with their lives. Yet people in little one-road towns across middle America(read:white people) are petitioning the government for BILLIONS of dollars to purchase equipment and manpower that will NEVER BE USED. Not to fight terrorism, at least. These people either have HUGE egos, or they are just plain idiots. The goal of terrorism is very simple, it requires two very important things : number one, kill a bunch of people. Number two, be SEEN killing a bunch of people. Terrorism is only terrorism if other people see it. In this case, a tree falling in the woods DOES NOT MAKE A SOUND. Nobody will care if Al Quaeda blows up the 7-11 at the end of Main Street, U.S.A. CNN WILL NOT COME RUNNING. Terrorists are not interested in killing rednecks in your town, they are only interested in killing the rednecks in the fucking White House. Sure, they do it in a roundabout sort of way, but that's really what they're about. It's about destabilizing our money, our bureaucracy, our very ways of life. And to YOU, Joe Schmo, THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY DICK.

Sure, we'll lose a few unlucky souls here and there from time to time, that's inevitable. But the simple fact is this : You are exponentially more likely to be killed in a highway pileup on your way to work in the morning than to be poisoned, shot, stabbed, or blown the fuck up by terrorists. So STOP WATCHING THE FUCKING NEWS AND LIVE YOUR PATHETIC FUCKING LITTLE LIVES. In this case, ignorance IS bliss. Frankly, the less I know about it, the happier I am. Even though I DO live in target number one...

Evian Sunk My Battleship

2005-03-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

The other day I was watching a George Carlin special on cable and he said something that struck me. He was talking about how he travels all over the country doing shows, and at every show he asks the audience "How's the water around here?" He ALWAYS gets a negative response, he said, which struck me as very, very odd. George Carlin then went off in a different direction, but I was still pondering the water.

People all over this country have a very low opinion of their tap water, while they swear by their pure, clean, mountain-spring fresh store bought bottled water. This is completely fucking insane. Is everyone in this country so brainwashed by their fucking televisions that they can't see through the BULLSHIT that is bottled water?

Ask any random person on the street if they would rather drink from the kitchen faucet in their own homes, or from a factory produced bottle of so-called "spring water?" and you will find that pretty much 100% of them will choose the bottled water. Why? Because people are fucking idiots, that's why. A few minutes of actual thought are all that's required to poke holes in all the arguments for drinking bottled water, and I'm not going to give you all of them, I'll just give you one fact which should hopefully be all that's required.

Consider this : Tap water is regulated by the EPA. The EPA's regulations on tap water are thicker than several phone books combined. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people across the nation whose ONLY JOB is to make sure the water that comes out of YOUR TAP is clean, safe to drink, and even tastes good.

Bottled water, on the other hand, is "regulated" by the FDA. The FDA has exactly NO ONE overseeing this shit. There are billions of gallon of this shit being sold every single day, at ridiculous fucking prices, and I assure you NOBODY has examined, tested, or inspected that shit that you probably have in your fridge right now. That shit could contain ANYTHING. The ingredients say "water" and that's it. You don't know who's putting that shit in that bottle! You don't know what mineral or chemical compounds are dissolved in that shit! You don't have ANY information on there. You don't even know where it came from, really. God forbid, it could even have actually come from the DREADED MUNICIPAL WATER SYSTEM THAT YOU REFUSE TO DRINK WITHOUT PAYING A DOLLAR A GALLON FOR IT. That's right, up to 80% of all bottled "spring" water is actually coming to you directly through THE TAP.

There's some very simple math at work here, and it's all costing YOU a ton of money. Bottled water can cost from one to even five or six dollars a gallon, depending on where the marketing department decides it came from(really, why the fuck is it better to drink water from Hawaii? They got the same pollutants we got here). Tap water is essentially free. You do the math. Just put the fucking Evian down first.

Virginia Fucking Sucks

2005-03-26T07:38:00.000-05:00

Why the fuck can't people from Virginia FUCKING STAY THERE? I stay on MY side of the line, why can't they?

Move to Maryland and you'll find out what all people who move from Virginia to Maryland find out : VIRGINIA FUCKING SUCKS. But then again, judging by the number of Virginia plates I see all over Maryland, most of you already know this. What, do you wish you were a Marylander but can't afford to live here? You make your money in D.C., you shop for all your shit in Maryland, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE IN VIRGINIA?! Because you FUCKING SUCK.

I realize that Virginia cops are the world's biggest dicks, but that doesn't mean that Maryland cops are(even though many of them are. The attitude must come with the badge). So if you have to come to Maryland, DRIVE LIKE YOU LIVE HERE. What does this mean? It means that if you don't see the police, you DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES. I realize you are probably lost, but that DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO DRIVE 15 MILES AN HOUR EVERYWHERE. Pull the fuck over and read a goddamn map, for fuck's sake. NOBODY DRIVES THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT IN MARYLAND. We just don't. We got places to be and not enough time to get there, so we consider speed limits as mere suggestion. However, this DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN IGNORE STOP SIGNS. Every single time I see someone run a stop sign, it's some lost prick from fucking Virginia. Signs look exactly the fucking same here as they do there.

In conclusion, here's a message from all people from D.C. and Maryland to all Virginians : YOU FUCKING SUCK AND WE WISH YOU WOULD ALL DROP FUCKING DEAD.