Groundhog Day
Have you ever watched the local news or listened to it on the radio? Am I the only person who has ever thought they need to just get rid of the traffic and weather reports?
I was listening to the news on the radio the other day and the story I wanted to hear kept getting pushed back with fucking traffic and weather reports. Does that shit REALLY help anyone? Somehow I doubt it. Weather reports I get, somewhat, but traffic reports are totally fucking useless, especially in the D.C./Baltimore area, mostly because they are EXACTLY THE SAME EVERY FUCKING TIME.
Does this sound familiar? "Traffic is backed up on route 66, at the Wilson bridge, and at the 270 spur. There's an accident on the Beltway between the Georgia Avenue exit and the Mormon Temple." It's the SAME DAMN REPORT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Let me help you all out and just give you the universal traffic report for the hours between 7-10AM and 4-7PM. Basically, it's like this: if you're driving in, into, or out of D.C. or Virginia, traffic is backed up. If you're on the Beltway ANYWHERE, traffic is backed up. And on weekends, same thing applies, except ALL day. There it is. Never listen to another traffic report again. Of course, if you've ever driven during the above described hours, you really don't need me to tell you that, do you?
And then there's the weather. Have you ever seen that shit on "Family Guy" where they're showing the news and they cut to the angry black weather guy just long enough for him to say, "It's gonna rain!" THAT'S what the weather report should be like. Look, I get the reasoning behind why they give you all that information, but really, let's face it, all you want to see is the weather today, tomorrow, and possibly the day after that. That should take, like, 5 seconds. Instead, you have to sit through 5 MINUTES of some talentless asshole droning on about fronts and pressure and cloud cover and shit, I guess just to prove that he went to college. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I don't give a shit WHY the weather is the way it is, JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, MAN! I could give a rat's ass that the jet stream is pulling cold air down from Canada which is going to collide with a low pressure system and that's going to cause a snowstorm(I know that's wrong, I'm just making it up to prove a point). JUST SAY, "IT'S GONNA SNOW." When and how much is all the additional information ANYONE needs. If it's gonna rain, if it's going to be sunny and warm, whatever, JUST TELL US THAT.
And why the fuck do they give you the weather RIGHT NOW? I don't need to hear what the weather is right fucking now, I KNOW what the weather is right fucking now. If you don't, STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. And I certainly don't need to hear about the weather YESTERDAY. I lived through it. That's old news. Why do I fucking care? And FUCK your damn records! Sure, it's useful to other meteorologists and scientists and researchers and shit, BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE. That's pointless information. SKIP it. Does anybody REALLY give a shit what the temperature record is for today? Does anyone REALLY need to know that on this day in 1896, it was 64 and cloudy? Somehow I doubt it. It's called the NEWS, which implies it's about recent or future events.
So, in conclusion, FUCK the weatherman, and SCREW the traffic reporter. You two are absolutely fucking worthless, and you're drawing valuable time and resources from REAL journalists. Go to fucking Hell, and take your damn reports with you!
...although, somehow I'd imagine they don't have much use for you down there either, as the traffic and weather are probably not all that different from right here...
I was listening to the news on the radio the other day and the story I wanted to hear kept getting pushed back with fucking traffic and weather reports. Does that shit REALLY help anyone? Somehow I doubt it. Weather reports I get, somewhat, but traffic reports are totally fucking useless, especially in the D.C./Baltimore area, mostly because they are EXACTLY THE SAME EVERY FUCKING TIME.
Does this sound familiar? "Traffic is backed up on route 66, at the Wilson bridge, and at the 270 spur. There's an accident on the Beltway between the Georgia Avenue exit and the Mormon Temple." It's the SAME DAMN REPORT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Let me help you all out and just give you the universal traffic report for the hours between 7-10AM and 4-7PM. Basically, it's like this: if you're driving in, into, or out of D.C. or Virginia, traffic is backed up. If you're on the Beltway ANYWHERE, traffic is backed up. And on weekends, same thing applies, except ALL day. There it is. Never listen to another traffic report again. Of course, if you've ever driven during the above described hours, you really don't need me to tell you that, do you?
And then there's the weather. Have you ever seen that shit on "Family Guy" where they're showing the news and they cut to the angry black weather guy just long enough for him to say, "It's gonna rain!" THAT'S what the weather report should be like. Look, I get the reasoning behind why they give you all that information, but really, let's face it, all you want to see is the weather today, tomorrow, and possibly the day after that. That should take, like, 5 seconds. Instead, you have to sit through 5 MINUTES of some talentless asshole droning on about fronts and pressure and cloud cover and shit, I guess just to prove that he went to college. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I don't give a shit WHY the weather is the way it is, JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT, MAN! I could give a rat's ass that the jet stream is pulling cold air down from Canada which is going to collide with a low pressure system and that's going to cause a snowstorm(I know that's wrong, I'm just making it up to prove a point). JUST SAY, "IT'S GONNA SNOW." When and how much is all the additional information ANYONE needs. If it's gonna rain, if it's going to be sunny and warm, whatever, JUST TELL US THAT.
And why the fuck do they give you the weather RIGHT NOW? I don't need to hear what the weather is right fucking now, I KNOW what the weather is right fucking now. If you don't, STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW. And I certainly don't need to hear about the weather YESTERDAY. I lived through it. That's old news. Why do I fucking care? And FUCK your damn records! Sure, it's useful to other meteorologists and scientists and researchers and shit, BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE. That's pointless information. SKIP it. Does anybody REALLY give a shit what the temperature record is for today? Does anyone REALLY need to know that on this day in 1896, it was 64 and cloudy? Somehow I doubt it. It's called the NEWS, which implies it's about recent or future events.
So, in conclusion, FUCK the weatherman, and SCREW the traffic reporter. You two are absolutely fucking worthless, and you're drawing valuable time and resources from REAL journalists. Go to fucking Hell, and take your damn reports with you!
...although, somehow I'd imagine they don't have much use for you down there either, as the traffic and weather are probably not all that different from right here...
